My brother came over today. He and (posthumously, based on school and other records we have found) my father have been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. He came by to let me know that my mother finally admitted what I have known since as far back as I can remember, she never wanted kids which is why she always left us alone and was always abandoning us and leaving. I have accused her of this 100 times but she has always told me how awful I was for saying it.
I guess one of the main parts of the Aspergers is technically right, socially wrong. It is true. When I was a child, and it causes me tons of stress to this day, if I was late (which meant took more than 60 seconds from the time I was told I was going someplace to the time I was actually having to go) I would get dragged out in whatever stage of undress or dress I was in. I still have anxiety issues if I begin to think I will be late and they are so crippling that I become late because I will shut down for a few minutes to cope. I remember being dragged through the grocery store when I was 8 or 9 years old with no clothes on, because I was trying to change into clothes I hadn't been cleaning the chicken coop or fermenting apples or turning the compost pile in before going out in public. If it took more than 60 seconds to be ready and I was naked then naked I went. The humiliation was pretty intense. I don't understand how no one ever called CPS for me. I don't understand how no one ever questioned the way we lived. We had a lot of pretty demanding chores and no air conditioning and we had to work in some pretty inhumane conditions. We had no hot water, or indoor plumbing and had to shower outside at the well in 60 degree water even when there was snow and ice on the ground.
My brother is trying to re-learn so he can feel or at least fake empathy, something he says he understands the dictionary meaning of but has never felt. Of course this brings up so many things in my life I have tried to bury away and move forward from. I have always felt bad about my brother because he has never seemed happy or quite right, I tried but I'm only 2 years older than him and I was taking care of him and taught him to read and whatever else I could but I was not old enough to really care for him. After his diagnosis, it finally makes sense how many mean and humiliating things happened to me as a child. The way we talked to one another in my house was not nice. Boyfriends I had as a teen commented on how weird we were and how cold my family was. It is true. My mother immigrated to the US after growing up in WWII Germany, being starved nearly to death, shot at, bombed, robbed by the Nazis to the point of complete destitute the family never recovered from and otherwise traumatized. My father grew up in the great depression the US, his father was an illegal immigrant from China who had traveled around the world. He was one of Hitlers school mates and placed in an American concentration camp during the war and he abandoned my father. He was a murder suspect in a high profile case I won't name since it would pretty much spell out my entire family name. Overall pretty bad, pretty weird. Not like other people. And of course there was the strange Amish like way we lived.
Our family was very cold. No hugs, no sympathy. Everything completely matter of fact. Everything had to be right and precise. Technically right, socially wrong. I told my husband that this is how I feel about myself but I don't have the lack of empathy or even the inability to read body language like my dad and my brother. When I was growing up with them, things like exuberant expressions of joy, squealing, giggling and crying about things (especially other people or animals) was made fun of and talked shit about. I think I was the only person with feelings in the room most of my life. The people around me had NO feelings. There was no way to hurt their feelings. The game we played when I was a kid was the insult game. It was a linguistic game. All about being able to craft the most creative insult. I was the only one ever hurt by this game. It kept my brother entertained. Building things, assembling things, my brother has an IQ over 180. My husband is on the autism spectrum as well. Of course this is what I would be attracted to. My husband has no empathy. He also can't have his feelings hurt. People who hear me talk to my husband think I'm a colossal bitch. Until you know him or my brother or my father before he died, you don't realize that there is no reason to be nice to them. Not that one wants to be cruel, but mincing words or sparing their feelings is a total waste of time and energy. And then I have to spend more time trying to explain to them what I was trying to say. Blunt and brutal honesty is kind of the only way to interact with them it seems.
I've been made into an Aspergers codependent. I'm like it in manner because it is all I know but emotionally I am not. Emotionally I feel, emotionally they don't really hurt me because there is a set way, a code of honesty, kind of like "Dexter" and I can ignore and follow their ways. Sometimes it can be a lot though. My husband can see me crying, shaking or completely breaking down and it doesn't affect him at all. Nothing. I can call him every name in the book, he doesn't care. Hints don't work. Hinting is the biggest waste. I pretty much have to spell out for him how to act or react when he has hurt me. It is kind of annoying. And then when he does it only exactly as I said, adding absolutely no personal flair it hurts.
I talk like an immigrant with a funny accent and here I am making another long ass post, like a fucking technical writer. Because I have to, or have had to for my entire life spell out everything. I'm so exhausted. My husband is not a bad guy, but he has 0 feelings. He got me chocolate and roses for Valentines day but he never would do something special, not something creative or with my feelings or interests in mind. He bought me a big box of chocolates when he knows I am on a diet. I've been actively losing weight because I want to lose the 10 lbs I still need to lose from our time in Florida. The thought is nice but I would have rather had him come wake me and give me a massage and tell me I mean something, anything, to him at all. I've been struggling with school, being new there and all and I have tried to talk to him about it and the wall would care or react better.
I guess one of the main parts of the Aspergers is technically right, socially wrong. It is true. When I was a child, and it causes me tons of stress to this day, if I was late (which meant took more than 60 seconds from the time I was told I was going someplace to the time I was actually having to go) I would get dragged out in whatever stage of undress or dress I was in. I still have anxiety issues if I begin to think I will be late and they are so crippling that I become late because I will shut down for a few minutes to cope. I remember being dragged through the grocery store when I was 8 or 9 years old with no clothes on, because I was trying to change into clothes I hadn't been cleaning the chicken coop or fermenting apples or turning the compost pile in before going out in public. If it took more than 60 seconds to be ready and I was naked then naked I went. The humiliation was pretty intense. I don't understand how no one ever called CPS for me. I don't understand how no one ever questioned the way we lived. We had a lot of pretty demanding chores and no air conditioning and we had to work in some pretty inhumane conditions. We had no hot water, or indoor plumbing and had to shower outside at the well in 60 degree water even when there was snow and ice on the ground.
My brother is trying to re-learn so he can feel or at least fake empathy, something he says he understands the dictionary meaning of but has never felt. Of course this brings up so many things in my life I have tried to bury away and move forward from. I have always felt bad about my brother because he has never seemed happy or quite right, I tried but I'm only 2 years older than him and I was taking care of him and taught him to read and whatever else I could but I was not old enough to really care for him. After his diagnosis, it finally makes sense how many mean and humiliating things happened to me as a child. The way we talked to one another in my house was not nice. Boyfriends I had as a teen commented on how weird we were and how cold my family was. It is true. My mother immigrated to the US after growing up in WWII Germany, being starved nearly to death, shot at, bombed, robbed by the Nazis to the point of complete destitute the family never recovered from and otherwise traumatized. My father grew up in the great depression the US, his father was an illegal immigrant from China who had traveled around the world. He was one of Hitlers school mates and placed in an American concentration camp during the war and he abandoned my father. He was a murder suspect in a high profile case I won't name since it would pretty much spell out my entire family name. Overall pretty bad, pretty weird. Not like other people. And of course there was the strange Amish like way we lived.
Our family was very cold. No hugs, no sympathy. Everything completely matter of fact. Everything had to be right and precise. Technically right, socially wrong. I told my husband that this is how I feel about myself but I don't have the lack of empathy or even the inability to read body language like my dad and my brother. When I was growing up with them, things like exuberant expressions of joy, squealing, giggling and crying about things (especially other people or animals) was made fun of and talked shit about. I think I was the only person with feelings in the room most of my life. The people around me had NO feelings. There was no way to hurt their feelings. The game we played when I was a kid was the insult game. It was a linguistic game. All about being able to craft the most creative insult. I was the only one ever hurt by this game. It kept my brother entertained. Building things, assembling things, my brother has an IQ over 180. My husband is on the autism spectrum as well. Of course this is what I would be attracted to. My husband has no empathy. He also can't have his feelings hurt. People who hear me talk to my husband think I'm a colossal bitch. Until you know him or my brother or my father before he died, you don't realize that there is no reason to be nice to them. Not that one wants to be cruel, but mincing words or sparing their feelings is a total waste of time and energy. And then I have to spend more time trying to explain to them what I was trying to say. Blunt and brutal honesty is kind of the only way to interact with them it seems.
I've been made into an Aspergers codependent. I'm like it in manner because it is all I know but emotionally I am not. Emotionally I feel, emotionally they don't really hurt me because there is a set way, a code of honesty, kind of like "Dexter" and I can ignore and follow their ways. Sometimes it can be a lot though. My husband can see me crying, shaking or completely breaking down and it doesn't affect him at all. Nothing. I can call him every name in the book, he doesn't care. Hints don't work. Hinting is the biggest waste. I pretty much have to spell out for him how to act or react when he has hurt me. It is kind of annoying. And then when he does it only exactly as I said, adding absolutely no personal flair it hurts.
I talk like an immigrant with a funny accent and here I am making another long ass post, like a fucking technical writer. Because I have to, or have had to for my entire life spell out everything. I'm so exhausted. My husband is not a bad guy, but he has 0 feelings. He got me chocolate and roses for Valentines day but he never would do something special, not something creative or with my feelings or interests in mind. He bought me a big box of chocolates when he knows I am on a diet. I've been actively losing weight because I want to lose the 10 lbs I still need to lose from our time in Florida. The thought is nice but I would have rather had him come wake me and give me a massage and tell me I mean something, anything, to him at all. I've been struggling with school, being new there and all and I have tried to talk to him about it and the wall would care or react better.
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I do feel bad that they have been about such sad things lately. I'm not going to try to give you advice, because I've never been in a place like you are and I wouldn't even know how to deal with that. I just hope that in the midst of all this adversity, you can find something that will bring satisfaction and joy to your life.