midnyte

After I discovered my husbands affair I've been pretty much on the verge of emotional melt down at any moment for the last 3 years now. It feels like it never quite gets better and he is never fully honest with me. Because the whore he was with is a couple years younger than I am he made my age (I had just turned 30, that day) a big factor. It has made me feel so old and used up and worthless. My son graduating and going to college hasn't helped the situation much. I'm in my 30's and having 50 year old problems. Of course when I was in my first decade of life I was taking care of my brother and working on the farm, home schooled, alone, living our little Amish-like life in strange seclusion (I was home schooled, my brother went to a Mennonite school among others) so I guess everything has come early to me. I had a baby by the time I was 16, because I was stupid and completely ignorant of the ways of people and my first time off the farm alone (I just got my drivers license), I put myself in a situation I lacked the skills to get out of. After a home birth, alone and outside, my mother never stopped piling the guilt on. We got in a big fight because she was sick and would not go to the doctor (she never will go to the doctor, it is against her beliefs). I was mostly suicidal and I moved out and to a city when I was 16. Enter the school of hard knocks beating the shit out of me for a few years. And it beat me black and blue, let me tell you.

I finally started having a clue, I observed and met so many people and moved around and got schooled.

I don't think any part of my life has ever really been normal. I had a funny accent because my parents are immigrants and I lived in several countries when I was very young. I don't speak English the way Americans speak English. I have tried and I have had speech lessons to speak like an American but I don't think my overall word arrangement really makes sense despite my best efforts. I think I'm overall not ever going to really fully pass as someone who had any sense of normal in her life.

In an effort to distance myself from the scene, the cheap copy of me my husband was cavorting with and to maybe fit in better at school since I have internships and meet and greets for the industry, I bleached out my hair and have cut it and wear it like "Margaret" from MASH is what I thought of the cut I got a couple days ago. I'm growing out bangs though so I know I have to go through this phase of the grow out. My husband financed a fair amount of retail therapy for me. I bought a pretty expensive wardrobe of very nice clothes. He bought me a new BMW a couple years ago (because he is sorry). He has also paid for me to get some (a lot) laser anti aging treatments done. Overall you would think a well dressed blond with really good skin and a nice enough car should be able to pass pretty well as not a freak. I have tried so hard to be someone else and I have come to a realization that I am never going to fit in. I have every external exhibit. I'm totally wearing the colors and I have never felt more out of place in my life. I feel like a giant walking lie. It's a strange place to be. Black hair was beginning to age me, red hair takes too much time to keep red, I have 4-5 classes at a time and homework and projects.

I'm at a precipice, looking at where I want to go. Do I be me? I never wanted to be the old woman running around with pink hair because she never grew up. I quit smoking a few years ago. I don't drink, I have never done drugs. I've never stolen anything. I'm not religious, I'm not a total atheist but I could be. I'm not quite sure where I fit in anymore. With a grown child. A marriage I'm becoming unsure I want to keep working on. I'm not unhappy with him, he takes good care of me and he is a not a bad guy, he just doesn't fully love me the way I think I should be loved and he makes bad choices which hurt me. I've spent the last 10 years with him and I've been in love with him for 12. It has been always strangely one sided. I'm not sure I have it in me anymore to keep being in love by myself. I don't want to be judged based on the social script of someone with pink hair and tattoos because I'm tired of it. I don't have the energy to keep defending myself from that. Of course even wearing the uniform of normal I still seem to fail to fit in. I can't stomach the stupid shit the people in my classes, who I look just like, talk about. I don't really care about going shopping. I hate group girls shopping trips. I prefer to shop online. I'll order a whole bunch of clothes from Macy's and try them on at home and then just mail back what I didn't like the fit of. That's my idea of a good shopping trip. That is the benefit of having credit cards. I hate restaurants. I'm sick of clubs and I don't drink, at all anymore. I guess I need to really think about my next step and how much of me I want to hide vs how much of me I want to be. So soon old, so late smart, as they say.

Where does a 34 year old mother of a grown child fit in? Where does a person with a profession no one is hiring for go? Who the fuck knows. It's like no sooner did I master being in my 20's than my fucking 30's happened with a whole new set of problems. It's like being a Freshman all over again.