8-3-04 ~ 6:45 PM
Coincidence no doubt however the ultimate effect still just a chilling from my perspective.
Quickly approaching the exit ramp in the far left lane I caught a glimpse of apparently what I have been seeking for some time now. Unsure for a moment until I passed in front of the silver SUV with a sideways glance. Pow! I was up against the ropes. Just like the good old times. Yes she was on her way to the shopping mall as a matter of fact, either that or some meet-up for half priced martinis with the girls. Honestly I did want her to follow me to the off ramp. Why should I be the only one to enjoy this sickening discomfort reveling in flashback such as it was vivid and bitter with gravy dripping down my chin. Melting in the pit of my stomach now it was painful now as it ever was then. A million years ago it seems sometimes. . . other times, more like a dream never actually have happened at all. The remainder of the drive home Metallica was no match for the sizzling queasy stomach somersaults coursing through my gut. No, not even when I turned it up to "eleven". Instant total recall flashing before my eyes double knotting my insides. Until I drove past the stoplight I entertained driving by her house. Just to see who was "up to bat" these days. My luck she would have followed me there, or someone would have seen me or whatever. No I didn't go. Stupid big house, fenced in landscaped back yard and swimming pool. . . dumb ass dogs -- literally -- these bitches (technically some are) are not intelligent in the least. Which, at the moment I am feeling quite familiar entertaining whatever it was enough to type these few lines -- candidly. Dumb ass me. So affected still. . . and for what? Why the immense knotted retching intestines? I sink into a deep depression abandoning all possible social ties convincing myself I've nothing to offer given my encyclopedic knowledge of my faults, and witnessing first hand the overwhelming success of following passion through to its conclusion -- one possible conclusion, which apparently was nowhere in sight the day I was speculating eventuality. So many years of bold faced lying. Countless instances of deceit. Infinite desire only to share with her. Purposeful in history much as this writing now, not even a little worthwhile. What have I got to show for anything from -- then? From "the relationship" is there any one thing, idea or element I am able to grasp point a finger towards and declare, "well at least I have that". No. I pummel myself, figuratively literally ad nauseam then hoping to catch a glimpse of what -- never was. What sense at all. . .? What possible. . . reason, or purpose. . .
Coincidence no doubt however the ultimate effect still just a chilling from my perspective.
Quickly approaching the exit ramp in the far left lane I caught a glimpse of apparently what I have been seeking for some time now. Unsure for a moment until I passed in front of the silver SUV with a sideways glance. Pow! I was up against the ropes. Just like the good old times. Yes she was on her way to the shopping mall as a matter of fact, either that or some meet-up for half priced martinis with the girls. Honestly I did want her to follow me to the off ramp. Why should I be the only one to enjoy this sickening discomfort reveling in flashback such as it was vivid and bitter with gravy dripping down my chin. Melting in the pit of my stomach now it was painful now as it ever was then. A million years ago it seems sometimes. . . other times, more like a dream never actually have happened at all. The remainder of the drive home Metallica was no match for the sizzling queasy stomach somersaults coursing through my gut. No, not even when I turned it up to "eleven". Instant total recall flashing before my eyes double knotting my insides. Until I drove past the stoplight I entertained driving by her house. Just to see who was "up to bat" these days. My luck she would have followed me there, or someone would have seen me or whatever. No I didn't go. Stupid big house, fenced in landscaped back yard and swimming pool. . . dumb ass dogs -- literally -- these bitches (technically some are) are not intelligent in the least. Which, at the moment I am feeling quite familiar entertaining whatever it was enough to type these few lines -- candidly. Dumb ass me. So affected still. . . and for what? Why the immense knotted retching intestines? I sink into a deep depression abandoning all possible social ties convincing myself I've nothing to offer given my encyclopedic knowledge of my faults, and witnessing first hand the overwhelming success of following passion through to its conclusion -- one possible conclusion, which apparently was nowhere in sight the day I was speculating eventuality. So many years of bold faced lying. Countless instances of deceit. Infinite desire only to share with her. Purposeful in history much as this writing now, not even a little worthwhile. What have I got to show for anything from -- then? From "the relationship" is there any one thing, idea or element I am able to grasp point a finger towards and declare, "well at least I have that". No. I pummel myself, figuratively literally ad nauseam then hoping to catch a glimpse of what -- never was. What sense at all. . .? What possible. . . reason, or purpose. . .
Friedrich Nietzsche:
What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned--and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine?'