Lyrics:
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This song is how Ive been feeling lately. Ive been seeing a therapist and taking Prozac again because my mom having cancer is just a little too much for me to handle right now. Its a good thing all around because I really am insane and should be getting help anyways. I mean when your therapist asks if youd like to admit yourself to their in-patient program it becomes apparent that you need a little more help than youre able to give yourself.
The only problem with this is that the fog of repression and depression has been lifted and Im able to see my life for what it really is. Im not so sure I like the choices Ive made or the way it seems to be going. I feel like the people that I have grown to call friends are really nothing more than shallow husks of companionship. Not one among them can ever truly understand who I am and why I do the things I do.
Im beginning to understand that because I try to make light of any situation and have an inherent defensive mechanism which causes me to make jokes when I feel uncomfortable or vulnerable that Ive been branded as the eternal jester and nothing I say has or ever will have any merit to the people that are close to me.
I have made myself into a clown.
I dont feel as though I have anyone to blame either than myself, but I also feel that there should be someone that understands this and is able to cast that aside and realize that there is a deeper and more complex level to my very being.
I had hoped that it would have been the person whom I call my girlfriend, but Im beginning to realize that I may be asking more of her than she is currently able to give me. She is a few years younger than me, but age isnt the issue here. I am the first true relationship she has ever been in and I dont believe she understands how to be in them or how to make them work. I honestly fault myself for asking this much of her to begin with. I should have realized it earlier.
Another part of me wonders if maybe this whole situation is merely psychosomatic. Perhaps my mind is merely creating rifts where none exist to compensate for the fairly decent way my current life has been progressing thus far. Perhaps I am creating more drama than there really is. Either way, I do still feel trapped within myself and empty. There is something outside of myself, something that I lack, and I know not what it is.
Its as though I was meant for more and I am missing what I never had.
On another note, I'm glad you are seeking profesional help. You've got a ton of shit piled on top of your shoulders now and I think it will do you good. I know you've never been fond of the idea of getting professional help, so I must acknowledge and salute you for being able to swallow your pride a little bit concerning this.
I also know what you mean about asking too much from your woman. I know I asked a bit much from my first gf now and then. I look back wishing I hadn't done that.
I know this sounds a bit cheesy, but during hard times it really helps to read a book or watch a movie about somene who has it worse off than you. I am actually working on a story for a comic book in that fashion. It's about someone very similar to me who one day finds himself in a situation far worse than where he was at first. I am being very serious about this. Perspective can really help you out when you can say to yourself "Ok wow, at least I'm not in THAT guys situation!"
I'll tell you more details about it sometime. In the meantime, try to keep your head up ok?
Oh and by the way, how did the emo boy send his package?