-Iron and Wine: Jesus the Mexican Boy
****
I love Iron and Wine. The songs are always so beautifully personal and intimate. Its almost as though youre just sitting in someones living room listening to a friend play every emotion hes ever had and trying so very hard to restrain the veritable avalanche behind a whispered voice and a solemn guitar. It kills me to think that Ill never see him play live, but at least I can live the experience in my mind and adore the works from afar.
Feelings towards this artist aside, this song also brings up the imagery of a friend that is so loyal that no matter what, they will always be there for you even if you yourself dont see it. I had always wished that I would meet someone that I could have such an intense bond with on that level that they would be there for me whenever I needed them. Suffice it to say Ive always just wanted a friend.
Ive never been one to make any easily though as Ive always been anti-social to the point of neuroticism. That is to say, I want to make friends and meet people, but I get so scared and anxious around people I dont know that I tend to throw up an aura of indifference or anger that in effect makes the very person I am trying to meet leave. Im not entirely sure why I do this, though I do have some speculation that it is a defense mechanism brought upon by having to constantly move when I was a child and living in fear of my father and brother, but knowing why I do should, in effect, assist me in overcoming it. Sadly though, even medication does not do so.
I thought I had a friend but well lets just say that she hasnt been around when I needed her and Ive decided that we werent as close as I thought we were. Im used to not having any friends though so this isnt as soul shattering as I make it out to sound. After all once alone, always alone right? Perhaps some of us were just meant to be friendless
But I digress
My mother is still recuperating and says shes doing fine. I think shes a fucking liar and is just saying it so no one worries, but theres nothing I, or anyone else, can do once shes decided to do that. She had an appointment late last week with the doctor and they scheduled her for chemotherapy on the 4th. Shes going to have to go though the therapy for six months and afterwards they will check her to see if it is all gone. They said it should be, but there are no guarantees. Imagine that no guarantees in life
Im not sure why I even post this here, or why I even bother posting at all really. I know no one actually reads any of this and that no one really cares one way or another as to what exactly goes on in and around my life but I continue to do it nonetheless. I know I am only some nameless/faceless person at the other end of a monitor that doesnt matter one iota in the grand scheme of your lives, and that most of you have already forgotten about me (or never really cared to begin with) and do not even look at this page or anything else that I do. I know Im nothing to you or anyone but I still insist on pestering you and everyone else on here by taking up valuable space that could be better used by others that are better in some way/shape/capacity and that no on would even notice if I left a last will and testament here condemning everyone in existence and finally ending it all after pressing the SUBMIT button, summarily ending my and everyone elses pain (because if I cannot see I is it truly there?) and yet I continue and I dont know why. I dont understand why anyone tries we all die sooner or later.
****
I love Iron and Wine. The songs are always so beautifully personal and intimate. Its almost as though youre just sitting in someones living room listening to a friend play every emotion hes ever had and trying so very hard to restrain the veritable avalanche behind a whispered voice and a solemn guitar. It kills me to think that Ill never see him play live, but at least I can live the experience in my mind and adore the works from afar.
Feelings towards this artist aside, this song also brings up the imagery of a friend that is so loyal that no matter what, they will always be there for you even if you yourself dont see it. I had always wished that I would meet someone that I could have such an intense bond with on that level that they would be there for me whenever I needed them. Suffice it to say Ive always just wanted a friend.
Ive never been one to make any easily though as Ive always been anti-social to the point of neuroticism. That is to say, I want to make friends and meet people, but I get so scared and anxious around people I dont know that I tend to throw up an aura of indifference or anger that in effect makes the very person I am trying to meet leave. Im not entirely sure why I do this, though I do have some speculation that it is a defense mechanism brought upon by having to constantly move when I was a child and living in fear of my father and brother, but knowing why I do should, in effect, assist me in overcoming it. Sadly though, even medication does not do so.
I thought I had a friend but well lets just say that she hasnt been around when I needed her and Ive decided that we werent as close as I thought we were. Im used to not having any friends though so this isnt as soul shattering as I make it out to sound. After all once alone, always alone right? Perhaps some of us were just meant to be friendless
But I digress
My mother is still recuperating and says shes doing fine. I think shes a fucking liar and is just saying it so no one worries, but theres nothing I, or anyone else, can do once shes decided to do that. She had an appointment late last week with the doctor and they scheduled her for chemotherapy on the 4th. Shes going to have to go though the therapy for six months and afterwards they will check her to see if it is all gone. They said it should be, but there are no guarantees. Imagine that no guarantees in life
Im not sure why I even post this here, or why I even bother posting at all really. I know no one actually reads any of this and that no one really cares one way or another as to what exactly goes on in and around my life but I continue to do it nonetheless. I know I am only some nameless/faceless person at the other end of a monitor that doesnt matter one iota in the grand scheme of your lives, and that most of you have already forgotten about me (or never really cared to begin with) and do not even look at this page or anything else that I do. I know Im nothing to you or anyone but I still insist on pestering you and everyone else on here by taking up valuable space that could be better used by others that are better in some way/shape/capacity and that no on would even notice if I left a last will and testament here condemning everyone in existence and finally ending it all after pressing the SUBMIT button, summarily ending my and everyone elses pain (because if I cannot see I is it truly there?) and yet I continue and I dont know why. I dont understand why anyone tries we all die sooner or later.
*picks up blunt object*
*hits you in teh head with it*
Hey fuckface! Guess what? I DO read this shit and I DO care so.
For reals though, I know what you're talking about. Due to the fact that I moved into this town at the time I did and the current state of my life that I'm in, I didn't end up keeping in touch wiht a lot of people whom I should have kept in touch with.
Also, I'm sorry that i haven't kept in touch. I haven't been commenting on journals as much as I used to. It's moslty because lately, I've been thinking about which people in my life WANT me around and which people NEED me around. I've decided that I no longer want the NEEDERS in my life. I'm tired of playing the unsung hero. The sad part is I've been feeling so exhausted from having so little energy to "save myself" that I've been rather evasive, even towards people who don't deserve it. It's not that I don't care about them anymore. I just simply didn't have the energy left in me to hear about anyone else's problems. I may have now contradicted myself a bit in this post, but......fuck it. Basically what I'm trying to say is, that I do care, even though I haven't been stopping by as much as I used to. Please don't take it to heart.
On another note, I hope your mother pulls through. Try to keep your head up and take care of yourself big guy.
I feel ya on the social thing. I have been invited to a few of these SG events and cant get the nerve to go. Even ones that are litterally a block away from me. But im gonna try, even if I get there and turn right around and go home. At least I tried instead of sitting my ass. heh. My friend and I are having a housewarming party probabley next saturday, you should come. We'll be anti-social angry people together. haha