mewithoutyou

this might be kinda depressing or....i dunno disturbing but it helps me to write things out like this. It's a way of dealing, so be warned

So today was.....horrible i guess is a good word for it. You know how things start to build up slowly and you get more and more down/depressed, intill something happens and you just kinda snap and give in....cant hold all of it in anymore. Well that happened this morning, havent had a chance to completly breakdown yet, but it's on its way im sure. One of our kittnes died last night, he hurt his leg last night...and we were goign to tke him to the vet this morning. Well I woke up at 8:30 (4 hours after going to bed) to find little Icacbad had died sometime in the night. I knew he was in pain, I could look at him and tell. Thats what gets me the most...I know that he didnt just die peacefully, he suffered. I didnt let zack see him, I put him in a box before I woke zack. Icabad was zack's cat and I didnt really want him to see how he looked, cause you could tell from lookin gat him that it wasnt a peaceful death. I called work said id be late, after i woke matt and zack, then dug the grave. We burryed him, then i went to work and had a shitty day.

Ewok isnt eating today. now im worried about him, or her im not sure. ive been force feeding her out of a bottle, but her breathing is really shallow and refuses to let me feed her very much.

I really wish i knew what happened to Icabad, we dont know if he was stepped on or what. he was fine yesterday afternoon, running around the apartment liek normal, then at like 10 he couldnt stand on his back leg and well i could tell he was in alot of pain. He was wide awake but his eyes were all glazed over and he wasnt moving. I just feel like i could of and should of done more for him.

I dont really believe in "God" but this morning as it rained, after I found Icabad. I just looked out of the doorstep at the rain and the thought that came to mind was "Fuck you God."