Yesterday's livejournal entry:
this journal is not at all representative of me. my thoughts, my feelings, my life. none of it is correctly portrayed or expressed. i hate all of my stupid pictures and my stupid failed attempts at explanations. something happened. somewhere between midterms and finals, i think i lost my ability to write what i want to write. i wish so badly that there was no internet, only face to face conversations. i can say everything perfectly with my mouth. but something about this keyboard has been paralyzing my brain lately. really, i think all of this internet crap rots everyone's brains. yet we're so addicted to it. it's there, and we're bored, so why not? pretty colors, people to spy on, stuff to click. it's such a time waster, and such a vain attempt at knowing people. the only way anyone could ever know me is by spending real time with me. speaking to me at length in person. i'm going off on a tangent now; this, again, isn't what i meant to say. words have always been the only thing i was even remotely good at. i feel like i've lost that, and if i don't have that, i have nothing. i am good at nothing. i despise the conversations i have with people via internet. i don't sound like me. i don't ever say what i mean, or acheive what i desire to. you should know that i am probably the most well-intentioned person you will ever meet. yet something always gets disconnected in between my intentions and my outcomes. i feel completely misunderstood. i hate that word because it's so very teenager-angsty-like, but it applies. there is a whole novel's worth of things i wish i could say, the way i want to say them. i just lost my ability to write them.
"i'm gonna take some time
sift through this conflicted mind
figure out why i can't sleep"
And this evening's:
today was a really really really good day. jason was off and it was 50 degrees and clear blue sky sunny with a little bit of a breeze. so perfect. we walked up and down kirkwood a few times just enjoying the day. went into the art supply store, where they only had the ruled moleskins and not the unruled ones, which is what i want/need. i was sad, but the cats that live there cheered me up. got starbucks, had a 10 minute long conversation with a very drunk, toothless, yet very very sweet homeless man. he went on the longest tangent about how maybe we can change the world one person at a time if we're just friendly to one another on the street. the first thing he said to us was, "i-i-if i give you something, w-w-will you do me a favor and pass it on to someone else?" it was a smile. the tangent followed. it was weird but sweet. he kept getting all smiley at me when i giggled. "where'd you pick her up?" he asked jason. lol. "she's the kinda person you wanna hang around, she's happy." i thought this man was pretty smart. he also gave us "a pocket full of love." rofl. he had good intentions, even if he wasn't quite in his right mind. we went into urban to find my mocs that i am passionately in love with; he was going to get them for me for valentine's day. but they didn't have them. i was crushed. he's gonna order them online, but i wish we didn't have to do that. shipping prices and waiting for stuff is stinky. but he's amazing for getting them for me. ♥ i got two shirts that are absolutely gorgeous for 5 dollars each. the original prices were 38 and 48. mwuahahahaha. sales like that make me superfuckinghappy. so does this bra that my mom gave me. and the card she sent me, in which she thanked me for being "a sweet and wonderful daughter." i usually think i'm a pretty shitty daughter, so that was good to hear. uummm what else...only two weeks til home now. i always saw the two week mark as something that would be really exciting. two weeks is such a short amount of time. this week will go by like lightning, and then it will be only ONE week. so fucking excited. i ate cheese yesterday for the first time in months and months and months. i had literally forgotten what cheese tasted like. it was a bizarre experience. i love valentine's day. i wish i were rich so i coud buy jason all the clothes his little heart could dream of. i desperately want to get to STL for amos' birthday on or around the 21st but i don't know if i can make it happen. :[. the poor car is just dying more and more every day and we still have a 12-14 hour drive ahead of us. and it has to keep lasting for a long time after that, lol. it's scary. i need a car. badly.
picture time.
Hi, I'm Chinese.
Hi, I love falling asleep in my daddy's crotchal region.
Aroo?
MWAHMWAHMWAHMWAH
Hi, I'm so cute it's painful.
this journal is not at all representative of me. my thoughts, my feelings, my life. none of it is correctly portrayed or expressed. i hate all of my stupid pictures and my stupid failed attempts at explanations. something happened. somewhere between midterms and finals, i think i lost my ability to write what i want to write. i wish so badly that there was no internet, only face to face conversations. i can say everything perfectly with my mouth. but something about this keyboard has been paralyzing my brain lately. really, i think all of this internet crap rots everyone's brains. yet we're so addicted to it. it's there, and we're bored, so why not? pretty colors, people to spy on, stuff to click. it's such a time waster, and such a vain attempt at knowing people. the only way anyone could ever know me is by spending real time with me. speaking to me at length in person. i'm going off on a tangent now; this, again, isn't what i meant to say. words have always been the only thing i was even remotely good at. i feel like i've lost that, and if i don't have that, i have nothing. i am good at nothing. i despise the conversations i have with people via internet. i don't sound like me. i don't ever say what i mean, or acheive what i desire to. you should know that i am probably the most well-intentioned person you will ever meet. yet something always gets disconnected in between my intentions and my outcomes. i feel completely misunderstood. i hate that word because it's so very teenager-angsty-like, but it applies. there is a whole novel's worth of things i wish i could say, the way i want to say them. i just lost my ability to write them.
"i'm gonna take some time
sift through this conflicted mind
figure out why i can't sleep"
And this evening's:
today was a really really really good day. jason was off and it was 50 degrees and clear blue sky sunny with a little bit of a breeze. so perfect. we walked up and down kirkwood a few times just enjoying the day. went into the art supply store, where they only had the ruled moleskins and not the unruled ones, which is what i want/need. i was sad, but the cats that live there cheered me up. got starbucks, had a 10 minute long conversation with a very drunk, toothless, yet very very sweet homeless man. he went on the longest tangent about how maybe we can change the world one person at a time if we're just friendly to one another on the street. the first thing he said to us was, "i-i-if i give you something, w-w-will you do me a favor and pass it on to someone else?" it was a smile. the tangent followed. it was weird but sweet. he kept getting all smiley at me when i giggled. "where'd you pick her up?" he asked jason. lol. "she's the kinda person you wanna hang around, she's happy." i thought this man was pretty smart. he also gave us "a pocket full of love." rofl. he had good intentions, even if he wasn't quite in his right mind. we went into urban to find my mocs that i am passionately in love with; he was going to get them for me for valentine's day. but they didn't have them. i was crushed. he's gonna order them online, but i wish we didn't have to do that. shipping prices and waiting for stuff is stinky. but he's amazing for getting them for me. ♥ i got two shirts that are absolutely gorgeous for 5 dollars each. the original prices were 38 and 48. mwuahahahaha. sales like that make me superfuckinghappy. so does this bra that my mom gave me. and the card she sent me, in which she thanked me for being "a sweet and wonderful daughter." i usually think i'm a pretty shitty daughter, so that was good to hear. uummm what else...only two weeks til home now. i always saw the two week mark as something that would be really exciting. two weeks is such a short amount of time. this week will go by like lightning, and then it will be only ONE week. so fucking excited. i ate cheese yesterday for the first time in months and months and months. i had literally forgotten what cheese tasted like. it was a bizarre experience. i love valentine's day. i wish i were rich so i coud buy jason all the clothes his little heart could dream of. i desperately want to get to STL for amos' birthday on or around the 21st but i don't know if i can make it happen. :[. the poor car is just dying more and more every day and we still have a 12-14 hour drive ahead of us. and it has to keep lasting for a long time after that, lol. it's scary. i need a car. badly.
picture time.
Hi, I'm Chinese.
Hi, I love falling asleep in my daddy's crotchal region.
Aroo?
MWAHMWAHMWAHMWAH
Hi, I'm so cute it's painful.
and the comment about the internet having the ability to paralyze one's brain is really true. It almost blew me away reading that first paragraph, because lately all i really want it to just be able to talk stuff out with people face to face. Fuck this internet chit chat crap.