merd22

So I was watching the movie "Matchstick men" with hereticam the other night. I thought it was a little boring, but the ending was pretty good. The movie basically consisted of Nicholas Cage's character finding his daughter and trying to have a relationship with her after never having her in his life. The funny thing is that I watch movies with that common theme, where children finally meet their fathers, and I sympathize with the characters. I sit there and think about how terrible it must be to be in that situation, I actually think that! Then I realize that I could possibly be in that same situation. Some people do not know that I have not seen my father in 20 years. I don't even remember him. I think about the possibility of meeting him and the idea seems unrealistic and unattainable. I often wonder " Am I better off not ever meeting him?" or " What if he is a terrible person who isn't worth meeting?". Would it be better to not know someone or to meet the person and have them be terrible. I could go months without thinking about this phantom that is my father, but it is getting harder. I wonder what my family is like, if there are any brothers or sisters that I have never met. Have I ever seen him or someone related to me and didn't know it? That would be strange. Plus I have this heritage that I do not know anything about, I do not know what it is to be hispanic. I look at the pictures of my father and his family and it feels like I am looking at pictures of a bunch of strangers.( Maybe it is because they are!) It is as if I bought a bunch of picture frames and took out the fake pictures and put them in my photo album. I am also fearful that if I don't make any attempt to meet or contact this man, then I will miss my chance. What if I already missed my chance? Should I have tried to find him years ago? I think about all these questions and am not sure about what I should do.