I'd like to open by saying that this one isn't like my other posts. It covers an incredibly unpleasant period in my life, but talking about this one is less a form of therapy, and more to benefit others. One specific other in this instance, who is going through his own private hell. If this tale can serve as a warning, or a source of strength for others, then so much the better. If anyone wants to ask questions, or seek advice off the back of reading this, please feel free to message me. If you're not an SG member, I'm reachable at gmail under my profile name (you'll work it out, you're all smart cookies :P).
We're setting the wayback machine for early in the year 2000 for this one. I still felt old then, but was comparatively young, and oh so very naive. I've never been a popular guy, and never been particularly successful with the ladies. When I started speaking to a girl online who showed a genuine interest, I didn't exactly think things all the way through. After a few days of chatting, we met one evening and went to a local beach to talk. Talking wasn't all that happened though, and off the back of that experience, as well as the fact that she was fun, bubbly and seemed like a decent person. I asked her out on a date the following week, and we ended up being together for a little over 6 years.
This all seems idyllic, there was talk of maybe having children, there was even a marriage proposal about 12 months in, but fate is often a bitch with a nasty sense of humour. As it turns out, she was a very broken young woman, who needed validation from other people to get by. I don't know at what point my affection for her became too stale to sustain her, but I do know that over the course of the relationship, she cheated on me at least fifteen times. She told me up front that she was bisexual, and being the kind of guy I am, I told her that (because I lack the soft curves of the ladies) I was fine if she found female lovers. She didn't though, and she didn't talk to me about her feelings or worries at any stage. The only routine conversation we had was after the guilt got too much for her and she confessed that it happened again.
I genuinely thought that if I loved her enough, and took care of her, that she would get better. That she would stop hurting me over and over and that things would be like they were at the start. After about two years, the sex dried up almost completely. We would fight, and on more than a few occasions, I'd have things thrown at me. No matter how angry I got, I never once reacted physically to anything, I think i'd have gone and jumped off a cliff if I had. Somehow I eventually started thinking that it was all somehow my fault. That if I craved physical intimacy less, or loved her more, or worked harder to keep the house tidy and provide more gifts that things would be better. Towards the end, I started to have people I knew telling me about guys bragging about sleeping with her while I knew nothing.
I considered kicking her out hundreds of times, but I never did. In the end, she walked out on me.
You would think that this was the end of the tale, but no dear reader, we aren't quite done yet. See as she left, she told me that the last person she cheated on me with was one of my closest friends. Someone I thought I could trust. This touched off a series of events that set fire to my circle of friends. A circle that has never been rebuilt. Here's the kicker though, even after all of this, I spent the next 8 months trying to be friends with the woman. This is how fundamentally fucked up I was by this experience. nine years after she walked out, I'm still finding emotional scars that won't truly heal. I walked in to that relationship with trust and anger management issues, and it only got worse. You see, I thought she could change, and there's every chance that she could have.
She just didn't want to.
I guess the lesson in this tale is that you need to learn to protect yourself. Establish safe boundaries, and when someone you know crosses them repeatedly, cut them loose. It doesn't matter if they're a friend, a lover, a brother or sister, or even one of your parents. Don't let anyone take your soul away from you, stand up and say enough. Give them the chance to change if you think it's worth it, but if they repeatedly cross that line, then you are better off without them in your lives. This is a cautionary tale too, lest you become a cynical, angry old rock that struggles to let people in.
Like I did.
