Its been a while since I last did this, and it seems I choose to as a form of therapy. I've again experienced something that demands I again look at the idea of trust.
I have a highly aggressive defence mechanism, and often struggle to connect with new people. I've spoken of it here before.
Twice now in my life, I've met people for who my defences seem to ignore. I'm married to the first, someone who is not just my wife, but also my best friend. I only recently met the second.
My defences mean that I'm not only hesitant about physical contact, but that it often feels strange, or even outright uncomfortable to me. With my wife, as well as my new friend, such a feeling didn't exist. Both first meetings were as if they held a key, or some kind of code that a part of me recognised as safe.
In my confusion, wonder and amazement, I fear that I somehow caused a hurt to my friend. She hasn't spoken to me since she left for home. I'm only fairly new to the world of polyamory, life here is chaotic and scary, and my wife is often seriously anxious and depressed. Her having a boyfriend as well as me helps, but she's still very fragile. I wish I knew how to pick the right path to take, but my choices always seem to have hidden consequences. I'm not sure where I am, nor which way to turn. Like the dwarves of Erebor, I'm lost in the murkwood, far from safe paths. I stumble as if blind and fear that I will never find my way again.