mephausto

it's not so much a long day as it is a steep uphill turn in a long month.

I suppose this comes with the territory of working in the midst of a high concentration of people with above average anti-social traits. Sure, some lie, some manipulate, some are mean, but most of the time they have their redeeming qualities. As life has it, though, there's eventually going to be one that is the embodiment of concentrated acid used in water torture... that is, a real test of one's abilities as both a worker in the addiction field and as a person in general.

It's already tough in general, having to take what may come from those sick from both drugs and mental illness and have to not feel belittled at times, as strong as I may be or whatnot, despite their illnesses and social malaise. Perhaps suprisingly, it's hard to justify a hard fought strong upbringing to those who have been using drugs since they were in grade school. It's hard not to take things personally and feel a bit damaged by the conflicts that occur, because after all, if I'm not seeing them as a human being as well, I'm losing sight of what I'm doing. The aim is not to put them in a box, brand them an addict and send them on their way, but to rehumanize those that our system and society has chosen to strip of so many good qualities that they still possess, regardless of chemicals used.

while this sort of thing comes and goes--being stressed by the job--repeated conflicts wiith someone strongly anti-social, manipulative, negative, bigoted and hateful has began to wear me down. While I will not back down, give into his bullying, it is hard to stay whole and energized in what has become a daily struggle. I teach a couple of classes over the week, and I already know that I will be encountering disrespect and opposition when the time comes to do those classes. it breeds tension in the community as a whole, brings negativity to a job I generally enjoy, and drains me of energy and positive energies.

I'm lucky enough to have some very strong and wise coworkers to help me along the way, but it's difficult to go home in the evening and dwell on such things. seeing as my mind goes around in circles on what to eat at any given moment, having to think about major conflicts at work helps to make my head heavy enough that my chin instinctively seeks my sternum, eyes check the sidewalk and I feel a bit numb despite my desire to connect with the music I usually can, to throw my body into movement to help the tension resting just below my shoulder blades disappate.

eventually it becomes a task in dealing what it really means to have an open heart, dealing with both the love and the rage that eminates forth. to remain tolerant is one of the more difficult things there is to have to keep doing everyday.

this is not woe is me

this is my reason for sighing.

this is precisely the reason I believe in full body hugs.

love.