menstrualslushie

so how was new years?

it was excellent..
except for the sudden rush of pandemonium
that was drunkenly and drug educed.

i totally stepped over a boundary that,
if was in a sober mind
could have seen.

and tore a great big gash in the heart
of one person i hold very dear.

thankfully.
i didn't fuck it all up.

apparently after he came in and found me kissing another boy
he beat him down with his own shoe.

grabbed my arm and we headed for the car.

...i really didn't know he minded...
at all..

now i'm left with tiny pieces of trust, security and love. that i'm trying to bandage back together
with minimal thread
and a needle that always hurts when i start to sow some more.

things are livable.
even rather enjoyable.

but this dark little rain cloud sits over the top of my head.

i can't seem to express how sorry i am.

its really stupid acutely, i didn't find any attraction to the guy at all...
i was just fucked up and felt sorry for him because he didn't look like he was having a good time.
i felt i was QUEEN of the FUCKING world.. and could solve all of his problems with a few kisses..

perhaps its because we went to a more privet location that gave the illusion that we might do more than the as for mentioned kissing... but it wasn't on my agenda- even in my drug educed mind. and i could have esily held my own against him.

there will be more weeks of this tiny pain.
it makes me feel like someone is scrambling eggs inside my heart.

but i will endure it with an open heart and with full acceptance.

because that is truly how sorry i am.

leave me messages of better new years eve experiences.

P.s. New Years resolution: to look at everything in my life from a third party. a party not of myself or of a counter part and fix things in accordance.


P.p.s Mike if your reading this. i'm sorry i haven't talked to you. i really did have to go pay the rent and then got caught up doing other things. i'll talk to you tomorrow.