Jay goes to Prom
Part Tres: The bloody anus.
About five minutes after the long walk back from the cemetery to my room I learned about my absent drivers license. Yesmy ID is missing. The first butt puckering thought to enter my skull was, How in the holy hell am I going to get home?!?! San Francisco is cool and all, but Im starting to miss my stuff.
Out comes the laptop and the crappy dial-up connection in the hall outside my room. I dig around Continental's website at an agonizing pace and eventually discover their customer service number.
Thirty minutes later a very curt man explains I only need two forms of any ID to pass through airport security. Ive got a bank card and credit card which he assured me several times would be more than enough to get home. Whew!! Now I can relax, take a nap, and get ready for prom.
8:30 pm: Crawl out of bed. Shave. Get dressed. I should note that I was wearing what can arguably be considered the worlds coolest tie tack. Of course there couldnt have possibly been more than one or two people in the entire club who would recognize Hasturs Yellow Sign but that is beside the point. I looked good.
8:45 pm: Leave the room. Saw Lotus, and tried to scam whatever ride they were taking too. I walked to the club on Friday and realized what a shitty trek that would be in dress shoes. Got in a cab with CherryBomb00 and two other glamorous women whose handles I regretfully have forgotten and arrived at the club.
9:00 pm: Pull out my ticket. Step up to the door.
Bouncer: ID Please
Oh fuck my bloody ass hole raw. I explained the situation and the Nazi resolutely denied me access.
I stepped back to the curb to think about the situation. What could I do?
Me: What if I were to get a copy of my birth certificate?
Fucker: No. It would need to be a notarized copy.
Aww damn, Im gonna fuck his bloody ass hole raw. I AM GETTING IN.
So I walked away from the door and called my parents. In the end they managed to find my current passport, birth certificate, and selective services card. All have my birthday. All have my name.
Me: Work with me man. I flew in from Houston to come to your crap little club and youre gonna let me in. I can get a copy of my Passport, Selective Services card, and birth certificate. That should be more than enough.
Himmler: Hold on. He pulled the manager or owner over to talk to me too. Ive told this guy three times, so Im going to let you tell him.
I explained my situation to the manager and what I would do to gain entry. He shrugged his shoulders and said, Yea, that will be fine. The bitch ass bouncer looked like a big bitch ass and tried unsuccessfully to pass it off.
There was a Kinkos one block down the street. My parents have a fax machine so I asked them to send me a copy of all that stuff. THEIR PHONE LINE IS DEAD. Jesus Himmler ChristCan I get a break here? So my parents, being the fucking bad asses they are drove to my fathers office to get me copies of this stuff at 12:00am their time. Let me just add, in case the goat fucking doorman reads this, they didnt get home until after 1:00am.
10:15 pm: Finally gain entrance!! Prom is my playground and I rock the house. Ironically I spent more time hanging with the outside crew than inside listening to the bands.
This is long so its about time I wrap this up. Prom was awesome. I got through security without problems and flew home.
Last note: Airport security in San Fran found my grooming scissors that the initial special screening failed to find in Houston.
Part Tres: The bloody anus.
About five minutes after the long walk back from the cemetery to my room I learned about my absent drivers license. Yesmy ID is missing. The first butt puckering thought to enter my skull was, How in the holy hell am I going to get home?!?! San Francisco is cool and all, but Im starting to miss my stuff.
Out comes the laptop and the crappy dial-up connection in the hall outside my room. I dig around Continental's website at an agonizing pace and eventually discover their customer service number.
Thirty minutes later a very curt man explains I only need two forms of any ID to pass through airport security. Ive got a bank card and credit card which he assured me several times would be more than enough to get home. Whew!! Now I can relax, take a nap, and get ready for prom.
8:30 pm: Crawl out of bed. Shave. Get dressed. I should note that I was wearing what can arguably be considered the worlds coolest tie tack. Of course there couldnt have possibly been more than one or two people in the entire club who would recognize Hasturs Yellow Sign but that is beside the point. I looked good.
8:45 pm: Leave the room. Saw Lotus, and tried to scam whatever ride they were taking too. I walked to the club on Friday and realized what a shitty trek that would be in dress shoes. Got in a cab with CherryBomb00 and two other glamorous women whose handles I regretfully have forgotten and arrived at the club.
9:00 pm: Pull out my ticket. Step up to the door.
Bouncer: ID Please
Oh fuck my bloody ass hole raw. I explained the situation and the Nazi resolutely denied me access.
I stepped back to the curb to think about the situation. What could I do?
Me: What if I were to get a copy of my birth certificate?
Fucker: No. It would need to be a notarized copy.
Aww damn, Im gonna fuck his bloody ass hole raw. I AM GETTING IN.
So I walked away from the door and called my parents. In the end they managed to find my current passport, birth certificate, and selective services card. All have my birthday. All have my name.
Me: Work with me man. I flew in from Houston to come to your crap little club and youre gonna let me in. I can get a copy of my Passport, Selective Services card, and birth certificate. That should be more than enough.
Himmler: Hold on. He pulled the manager or owner over to talk to me too. Ive told this guy three times, so Im going to let you tell him.
I explained my situation to the manager and what I would do to gain entry. He shrugged his shoulders and said, Yea, that will be fine. The bitch ass bouncer looked like a big bitch ass and tried unsuccessfully to pass it off.
There was a Kinkos one block down the street. My parents have a fax machine so I asked them to send me a copy of all that stuff. THEIR PHONE LINE IS DEAD. Jesus Himmler ChristCan I get a break here? So my parents, being the fucking bad asses they are drove to my fathers office to get me copies of this stuff at 12:00am their time. Let me just add, in case the goat fucking doorman reads this, they didnt get home until after 1:00am.
10:15 pm: Finally gain entrance!! Prom is my playground and I rock the house. Ironically I spent more time hanging with the outside crew than inside listening to the bands.
This is long so its about time I wrap this up. Prom was awesome. I got through security without problems and flew home.
Last note: Airport security in San Fran found my grooming scissors that the initial special screening failed to find in Houston.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
maibey:
Haha, did you really see him fucking a goat? And by goat...do you mean a nasty little goat, or GOAT?
maibey:
Goat is the weirdest word ever. shawww