I'm not sure. I'm not really into the whole making lots of money or having a prestigious job title. As long as I make enough to pay rent, bills and buy groceries with maybe a little extra to spend now and then to have fun I'm happy. I guess I lost that interest in -doing something for the world-, the need to want to contribute to society. It just seems like you can try to contribute but then you get those people that feel society owes them something and those types aggravate the hell out of me. Almost everyone in this day and age have had some horrible shitty thing happen to them.. that doesn't mean society owes you least of all me. Get the fuck over it and quit whining.
At the same time it's as if my family feels I need to go to college and as they put it "do something with my life" They just can't see me being happy working. I'm on the fence with that one; at times I am very happy just working and others I wish at times to go to college and find a career.
I know I need to get a better paying job or a second part-time to be able to afford living on my own or I can possibly get into college and maybe with financial aide; keep my current job and be able to afford living on my own. I feel rushed b/c I have to figure this all out before September which seems like a large looming black cloud right around the corner.
My mom keeps telling me I need to find myself and sure I have had a few lost times but I am who I am what is there to -find- so to speak. I guess she worries b/c my life since around 16 has just been one long term relationship after another and she thinks I define myself by who I am with and I'm not certain that's right at all. I spent almost two years with J in highschool and I don't feel I changed or anything for him; sure life was pretty crazy for me at the time and maybe I didn't deal with some things in the normal way but wtf. I can see where she is coming from with my two year marriage; I scheduled my life around him, what he wanted done; trying to be the perfect little housewife while hiding from the world from the fact it was an abusive situation. I can say those were one of my "lost" times. It's been alittle over a year with E. Things haven't always gone that well, like now.. but I don't feel as if I'm arranging my life around him; slightly dependant on him due to the fact my job sucks and I can't afford the rent so he pays that and maybe that's what she means by finding myself.. by becoming completely independant and knowing I can do it. I can survive on my own. I won't deny the fact that I hate being alone hence I tend to move from one relationship to the next but it's not like I have a new guy every week, far from that. I am thinking maybe she wants me to be able to be alone when I want to and not be dependant on anyone and I definitely won't argue with her there.
Things are changing whether I like it or not and the world I have become comfortable in is once more turning upside down and throwing me for a loop. As much as I try to say I love change.. I don't. I hate it with every cell in my being. My whole life I have searched for security and never found it. Maybe b/c I am looking for it in other people and need to search for it in myself? Probably
Maybe what I have been looking for my whole life is inside me and I just have to step out into the cold, dirty, awful world and grab it by the horns.
I'm nervous, scared and trying to hide from the reality that is crashing through my door. Life sucks.
At the same time it's as if my family feels I need to go to college and as they put it "do something with my life" They just can't see me being happy working. I'm on the fence with that one; at times I am very happy just working and others I wish at times to go to college and find a career.
I know I need to get a better paying job or a second part-time to be able to afford living on my own or I can possibly get into college and maybe with financial aide; keep my current job and be able to afford living on my own. I feel rushed b/c I have to figure this all out before September which seems like a large looming black cloud right around the corner.
My mom keeps telling me I need to find myself and sure I have had a few lost times but I am who I am what is there to -find- so to speak. I guess she worries b/c my life since around 16 has just been one long term relationship after another and she thinks I define myself by who I am with and I'm not certain that's right at all. I spent almost two years with J in highschool and I don't feel I changed or anything for him; sure life was pretty crazy for me at the time and maybe I didn't deal with some things in the normal way but wtf. I can see where she is coming from with my two year marriage; I scheduled my life around him, what he wanted done; trying to be the perfect little housewife while hiding from the world from the fact it was an abusive situation. I can say those were one of my "lost" times. It's been alittle over a year with E. Things haven't always gone that well, like now.. but I don't feel as if I'm arranging my life around him; slightly dependant on him due to the fact my job sucks and I can't afford the rent so he pays that and maybe that's what she means by finding myself.. by becoming completely independant and knowing I can do it. I can survive on my own. I won't deny the fact that I hate being alone hence I tend to move from one relationship to the next but it's not like I have a new guy every week, far from that. I am thinking maybe she wants me to be able to be alone when I want to and not be dependant on anyone and I definitely won't argue with her there.
Things are changing whether I like it or not and the world I have become comfortable in is once more turning upside down and throwing me for a loop. As much as I try to say I love change.. I don't. I hate it with every cell in my being. My whole life I have searched for security and never found it. Maybe b/c I am looking for it in other people and need to search for it in myself? Probably
Maybe what I have been looking for my whole life is inside me and I just have to step out into the cold, dirty, awful world and grab it by the horns.
I'm nervous, scared and trying to hide from the reality that is crashing through my door. Life sucks.