melicious

I promise, no ranting about my neighbours this time!! ^^

I am taking this ridiculous class for school currently. Last two weeks I have been doing redundant assignments about making goals, expectations, vision statements et cetera. And in thinking about my future and what I want to do with my life, I am realizing that in all of this, I am beginning to grow and change. I am seeing a larger picture of who I want to be and where I want to be. I want to own my own design firm (hello business management degree), maybe even a branch in London? I want my firm to be a "teaching firm" the way there are teaching hospitals. I want to partner with Habitat for Humanity. I see all these things and I am actually on the path to achieve all of this. And in this I am realizing that I want more professionalism in my life.

My current job makes me feel like I am in high school again. It is beginning to be a source of stress beyond belief for me. It is an empty place for me, and means nothing to me. I don't want to be there. I am sick of the pettiness and immaturity. There are many things that are many things that are contributing to this train of thought, and nothing that I can do about it. I am simply going to be me, and do everything I can to remove myself from the environment. There are very very few people there who even truly care about me and that I actually count among my friends. I know many of them won't even give me a second thought if I were to quit or move, etc. Right after I fell, I became very tight lipped, and didn't talk to many people, with reason. I am beginning to feel that I should return to a slightly more private self. Opening up has done next to nothing for me, showing my true self. Right now I am so focused on becoming who I TRULY want to be. And the "high school" mentality is simply no where in that. Last week someone was asking me if I was going to be going out. Not only did I have assignments I had to do, but I was also broke, and trying desperately to come up with my car payment - I currently still don't have any of my car insurance that was due on Monday. After I said no, he looked at me and said, "That's right. You aren't ALLOWED to go out." Like someone other than myself is placing restrictions on me. I'm sure it is a thought that has crossed someone's mind, probably lips in passing. And this is the type of shit I can't stand. This is why I don't go out. I have my future I am working on, and blowing my time and money with people who could care less about me won't help get me there any faster. I go out when I can, and with those who care about me, and who I care about. Things like this only help me make the decisions I do.
I wonder if this course of action is not wise. But then when I think about it, there is no networking most of these people will provide me. Nothing to further my education or further career. No serious long-term friendships, well, not none, but still few enough. In all of this thought process, I realize that I am changing. Growing up even? The goals that I am setting and are pursuing are the REST OF MY LIFE. Where I am right now, I simply am beginning to wish it were all over. I want a professional career. A house. I want to move back to Dallas. I want to be able to go on vacation - when ever I want. I don't want to have to worry about a cock sucking manager who has done NOTHING with his life trying to exert what little power he has over me. I want to be able to work WITH people, to share ideas, and learn from them and vice versa. A REAL career. Not serving. Intelligent discussion, fuck, intelligent LIFE FORMS are so rare in the food service industry. And I am tired of it. I understand that a lot of people are going to school there, but I wonder how many are going to -do something- with their lives. I have heard numerous people whine how it is hard to find a job with their degrees. Or continue to work as a server on the weekend. I want none of that. I want my weekends to be mine, unless I am working on a majour project. And all the people who aren't from here, and whine about it. But never leave, never do anything about it. They act like they are stuck in a black hole, no action can that can be made. It simply all makes me wonder, and want to work that much harder. I don't want to be stuck in Dover for the rest of my life. Once I leave, I doubt I will ever come back. But it has been an interesting learning experience - being here, seeing how I don't want to be. Or who for that matter. I think that I am making the choices that are right for me. And that is all that matters. Stupid gossip will not have any role in my future. It is just that. And I will gladly accept it, as it is only going to make me a stronger person. I am going to accept everything, as it is merely on the path that I am creating for myself, and I can overcome anything, as I have already. My grades show that I am going to succeed simply because I am dedicated and spend the time where I need to. I have been told by the people I respect that they are proud of me for being so dedicated. And that is all that matters. None of this high school shit.

My enrollment status got a little confused and mixed up and as a result I am only at part time status. It will cost me a small fortune to go more so I will try to wait until 2007 to up my status and pay for it. Then when I redo my FAFSA for '07/'08 I can actually make sure it goes in right! I am finally starting to work on things I will need for my degree, with the occasional math and English class. I am excited. And I am very glad that I have a week between sessions coming up at the end of the month. Almost in time for Ren Faire (which I am OOOOOOFFFFF for the NASCAR races!!! During pasta bowl too! So thank God I will be drinking mead in a corset instead of talking to rednecks about Dale Jr.) - I have my final assignment for one class due the Saturday of faire. But then ahhh! I get to breathe!

I am going to try to be a volunteer for Contact Delaware. I will have the time since I am only going part time. And I saw a commercial the other day for Contact Delaware (the rape crisis line) that had RAINN info at the bottom of the screen in addition to the local info. I have gone onto the RAINN site and got the e-mail information. They have new training classes starting in Oct. It takes 50 hours of training, but I think it will be something very worthwhile. For years and years I have wanted to do this. And as a survivor myself, I think it will go a long way to help heal myself. And is a great way to give OF myself. I don't think most people realize the impact and severity of rape and sexual abuse. And again, as a survivor I have always felt VERY strongly about this subject. I can't think of a better way to spend my spare time.

But now I must go off to bed. It is late, and I didn't read lectures like I was supposed to. But all of this has been on my mind for awhile, and it has helped to get it all off my chest.