melaniek

It was January 1st. A month earlier, I was told that we needed to divorce. I did not want to. My life was falling down all around me. I even went to christmas with my family by myself, lying to my family about the reasons. I was treated daily with such disdain and hate that I can't imagine why I wanted to stay. I was constantly reminded that I was hated and that he did not want to even sleep beside me. After the twentieth time of talk of purchasing an air mattress so that he could think about our relationship AND being yelled at about 10 times on the phone on my day off, I decided that I would give him the space to make a decision. I made reservations at a hotel for the night and called Lisa to ask if I could stay for the next two nights after that. I packed up, left a note that i was at a hotel, had my cell and my laptop, and that he could contact me anytime that he wanted. I also got scared that he would do something to himself, so I asked a friend to come by and check on him. When he got home he was even more pissed. He called the next morning and i came by on my way to work. we talked and agreed that he still needed more time and that i was staying with Lisa. On my way to Lisa's for the next few days, I needed some things from the store that i forgot to bring. One of which was a razor. I got a boatload of Daisy disposables, giggling about the episode of the Venture Brothers where Dr. Venture admits that he shaves his head with a daisy. I was having as much fun as someone could have at such a turbulant time with Lisa and Rob. I was waiting for his call with his decision. I never called him, he continued to call me. Lisa and I looked at his myspace. Lisa asked who the girls were. I told her the ones that i knew and noticed that there was another girl on there. Friday afternoon came around and i finally received the call that he wanted me back and that we had things to work on. I was still treated like, well, crap.... and freaked out one day and came home early. We had a super long talk and decided to really work on things. I realize NOW that the work was all on my side to do. We talked about sex and he told me a story with such an evil grin and utter contentment and with such detail that I still remember it. I had joined SG a few days earlier, unbeknownst to him. I did look thru his friend list and found the girl that was on his myspace. I did read her blog. And it did mention something that shattered my heart. This girl had come to my house while i was gone, while he was supposed to be deciding about our future together, and they had went to a hotel. I read exactly everything that they had done with each other and their plans. I also realized that the story that he told me with such delight was about sex with this girl. and that he loved the fact that he had cheated on me. Most women would have left, but I made excuses. He is bi-polar and that can make decision making impossible, plus sexual addiction, and even money issues. I bent over backwards to try and please him, ignored his indiscretions and lies, worried myself incessantly. I also was critically ill. I never realized FULLY that it should have MY decision until much, much later. All this time, I continued to use my boatload of Daisy disposable razors. They are HORRIBLE, yet I still used them because I am too cheap to throw them away. I even got a new womens razor during that time, and it sucked too so i threw it out. Every single time I used one of those stupid razors, I thought about those 3 days away. I thought about my decision to stay with someone that never, ever loved me and even when given the space to make HIS decision, he used that time to cheat on me. Obviously he never really wanted to work on the relationship, but I was to busy making excuses to see that fact. I tried to work on my relationship, I truly did. I finally realized that I did not deserve to be treated like that. I did not deserve to be called 10 times a day and complained to, I did not deserve to suffer and not have any fun, I did not deserve to feel like girl-bait, I did not deserve to be last on the list in anyone's heart, and I did not deserve to be lied to from day one. And I am certainly not an angel in this relationship, but I did try to the best of my ability. I did lie a few times. Most of them were to myself. There are a few lies that I regret and a few that I have no regrets whatsoever. Now I am ready to leave. I finally used the last of my crappy daisy razors. I don't have that reminder of the most horrible time of my life staring me in the face every time that I shower. I don't have to think of it ever again. I got another MEN'S razor like I used to have. One that works. One that I like. And that, in a roundabout way, is how Melanie got her groove back. The new razor is simply a celebration of the end of an era.