melaniac

Mood swings are becoming scary.....I see a hospital visit in my near future. I can see myself falling. I almost started cutting again but thankfully talked myself out of it early enough this time. I think the pain killers are causing my bipolar meds to be less effective. I am falling apart. I try so hard to look normal and happy but I am losing my shit. I need help now, but I am scared to call me doctor because he will tell me to check myself in immediately. I have 2 weeks left in this quarter of classes. I cannot quit now. I am doing so well. I have a 3 week break for Christmas....I can check myself into the hospital after class lets out and hopefully I wont be in there for more than 3 weeks. I am terrified because I have no control over my actions sometimes and I cant even tell what I have done until its too late. I have scars down both my arms and now have a lovely scar down my inner thigh. What will I say to someone who sees me bare flesh? How will I explain myself? I cant stop this destructive behavior. My Dad is going to be so let down. Thats the worst part of all. He is going to have to put up with me doing this again. It always hurts my family the worst. My sister is under enough stress as it is. She cant handle this again, not right now. I will probably have to move back in with my Dad. I am supposed to be under supervision, but my Mom left and I dont know where she went. I came home from class one day and she was gone and had taken all her things and my brother and sister. She adopted me and was the only mother I have known and she just left me. I cant even explain how that makes me feel. Worthless. Discarded. Broken.