I wasn't going to post about this- but fuck it, I have all of three readers (hello!) and I'm really enjoying this blogging. It's helping calm my mind, stop me chewing it all over.
*****
I am an excellent sleeper, and a non-napper. Provided the clock is past 11 pm, I can curl up in any form of space and sleep deeply until morning. I have a vivid imagination, and dream daily. I've had some freaky dreams in the past, but nothing so bizarre as last Saturday.
It was probably about 2am, and I woke up in my dream (as you do) to find I couldn't move and couldn't open my eyes. The room surrounding me was filled with the most brilliant white light, and I seemed to be frozen to some form of bed- or essentially, in the same position of which I was sleeping. From my left a voice told me to not move, and to not worry about not being able to move. I knew this voice was God.
(I'm just going to slip in here that I am not a particularly religious person. Spiritualist seems to come closest, I have strong faith in something other than this world, but as to what that is I have no decisions. I've read a fair bit of philosophy, and am cynical to literal interpretations of the Bible, but other than that I just try to be good to people in the world out of politeness and certainly not because of a heaven/ hell repercussion)
Anyways, this voice was God. I didn't feel any sense of questioning to this, but I did feel scared and giggly in a nervous way. And God said:
"You are not to worry any more. Your relationship with your mother will improve, and you and your brother will be fine. The relationship you have with your father goes back to before you were born, and cannot be damaged. When you are 27/ 28 your father will ask when you will be settling down. ???? (can't remember!!) won't be around for this, but they will be with you when you give birth. You will have a son by a man named Dan, and everything will be fine. You are not to worry. I will send you back down now."
And with that, and a rising sense of panic within me, I felt someone touch my left hand and push a bolt through the back of my palm straight through to the otherside. It was sore, like the buzzer of a cow fence, and as thick as a bath plug. I woke up terrified, and with a hand that was alive with electricity. I don't think I've ever felt more vulnerable.
Don't get me wrong, with a bit of hindsight (and consciousness) I can regain a sense of reality on this situation and assess the probability that I was just dreaming. just dreaming, a mind screw up. but......but, yes, admittedly, there is a part of me which is questioning things. not that i think i will have a son by a man named Dan, but that the moment i needed some reassurance there that dream was. just having someone tell me not to worry, that things will be ok. this is all i ever really need someone to tell me- and perhaps my subconscious knows this (yet felt it had to be arrogant enough to project itself as God before i'd believe it.) but there is always the margin of error. the chance.
and what's so fucking wrong with having a bit of faith anyway? religion is interesting. i got bullied ruthlessly at school for joining C.U in year 7, and i was still shaking off the teasing in year 9, but truth be told i'm quite intrigued by the whole thing. i chose the cooler, artier way of studing this by doing Philosophy at A Level but all that really achieved was a relentless and inexplicable crush on my philosophy teacher, and a shit load of weed entering my system via my newly acquired pot head friends. this could have been worse i suppose.
who cares if you're religious?
(shudder)
let them call you a bible basher. make your own decisions. fuck them.
(am i?)
stop thinking about it. just do what you believe. do what you want to do. dont even question it. there are millions of faiths. and millions of people. its your mind, your time, your fucked up dreams. they cant judge you if they don't know.
(fucking blogs.)
*****
I am an excellent sleeper, and a non-napper. Provided the clock is past 11 pm, I can curl up in any form of space and sleep deeply until morning. I have a vivid imagination, and dream daily. I've had some freaky dreams in the past, but nothing so bizarre as last Saturday.
It was probably about 2am, and I woke up in my dream (as you do) to find I couldn't move and couldn't open my eyes. The room surrounding me was filled with the most brilliant white light, and I seemed to be frozen to some form of bed- or essentially, in the same position of which I was sleeping. From my left a voice told me to not move, and to not worry about not being able to move. I knew this voice was God.
(I'm just going to slip in here that I am not a particularly religious person. Spiritualist seems to come closest, I have strong faith in something other than this world, but as to what that is I have no decisions. I've read a fair bit of philosophy, and am cynical to literal interpretations of the Bible, but other than that I just try to be good to people in the world out of politeness and certainly not because of a heaven/ hell repercussion)
Anyways, this voice was God. I didn't feel any sense of questioning to this, but I did feel scared and giggly in a nervous way. And God said:
"You are not to worry any more. Your relationship with your mother will improve, and you and your brother will be fine. The relationship you have with your father goes back to before you were born, and cannot be damaged. When you are 27/ 28 your father will ask when you will be settling down. ???? (can't remember!!) won't be around for this, but they will be with you when you give birth. You will have a son by a man named Dan, and everything will be fine. You are not to worry. I will send you back down now."
And with that, and a rising sense of panic within me, I felt someone touch my left hand and push a bolt through the back of my palm straight through to the otherside. It was sore, like the buzzer of a cow fence, and as thick as a bath plug. I woke up terrified, and with a hand that was alive with electricity. I don't think I've ever felt more vulnerable.
Don't get me wrong, with a bit of hindsight (and consciousness) I can regain a sense of reality on this situation and assess the probability that I was just dreaming. just dreaming, a mind screw up. but......but, yes, admittedly, there is a part of me which is questioning things. not that i think i will have a son by a man named Dan, but that the moment i needed some reassurance there that dream was. just having someone tell me not to worry, that things will be ok. this is all i ever really need someone to tell me- and perhaps my subconscious knows this (yet felt it had to be arrogant enough to project itself as God before i'd believe it.) but there is always the margin of error. the chance.
and what's so fucking wrong with having a bit of faith anyway? religion is interesting. i got bullied ruthlessly at school for joining C.U in year 7, and i was still shaking off the teasing in year 9, but truth be told i'm quite intrigued by the whole thing. i chose the cooler, artier way of studing this by doing Philosophy at A Level but all that really achieved was a relentless and inexplicable crush on my philosophy teacher, and a shit load of weed entering my system via my newly acquired pot head friends. this could have been worse i suppose.
who cares if you're religious?
(shudder)
let them call you a bible basher. make your own decisions. fuck them.
(am i?)
stop thinking about it. just do what you believe. do what you want to do. dont even question it. there are millions of faiths. and millions of people. its your mind, your time, your fucked up dreams. they cant judge you if they don't know.
(fucking blogs.)