okay.....
so having braved up and accepted that my mental state might be on the outskirts of conventional, told the doctor about it and been advised to deal with it using methods such as uh... positive mental attitude and exercise, i've been feeling a little lost.
it's taken me 7 years to even admit that i had a problem, and it's built up in my head that the day i told the world about this there would be shock, horror, disgust, and a team of professionals who would come and solve it for me. i wasn't ready for that though, i couldnt cope with the idea of not being perfect, tainting my image and medical records with lists of things that i might be able to solve myself before anyone need to find out.
so on the momentuous day where i sit down and say i don't feel entirely happy, ever, and im not sure why- imagine my surprise when there is no reaction, shock, horror, disgust, or urgency. in fact, i will be dealing with this in my own sweet time. and not because the doctor didn't give a shit- but clearly, beyond a phone number and a few pills, this was entirely my problem to solve.
there were no standards or objectives to meet, other than my own. there was no one to please, other than myself. there was no one to disappoint, other than me.
so if i'm so discontent, no one else is going to give a shit and help me find it. and if i want to be happier and stronger, thats my damn problem too. so yes, i'm still screwing up and failing in my own eyes and beating myself up daiily. but i know that the answer isn't anywhere beyond my own hands, and the choices that i make every day. it doesnt make things any easier of course, but it does take away the sense of urgency. if i dont solve this in the next decade then nothing will change other than i will be a 32 year old woman who still has issues. if i change this all tomorrow however, i'm going to have a lot more time to spend on the rest of my life.
not that i'll be able to change this in a day mind
so having braved up and accepted that my mental state might be on the outskirts of conventional, told the doctor about it and been advised to deal with it using methods such as uh... positive mental attitude and exercise, i've been feeling a little lost.
it's taken me 7 years to even admit that i had a problem, and it's built up in my head that the day i told the world about this there would be shock, horror, disgust, and a team of professionals who would come and solve it for me. i wasn't ready for that though, i couldnt cope with the idea of not being perfect, tainting my image and medical records with lists of things that i might be able to solve myself before anyone need to find out.
so on the momentuous day where i sit down and say i don't feel entirely happy, ever, and im not sure why- imagine my surprise when there is no reaction, shock, horror, disgust, or urgency. in fact, i will be dealing with this in my own sweet time. and not because the doctor didn't give a shit- but clearly, beyond a phone number and a few pills, this was entirely my problem to solve.
there were no standards or objectives to meet, other than my own. there was no one to please, other than myself. there was no one to disappoint, other than me.
so if i'm so discontent, no one else is going to give a shit and help me find it. and if i want to be happier and stronger, thats my damn problem too. so yes, i'm still screwing up and failing in my own eyes and beating myself up daiily. but i know that the answer isn't anywhere beyond my own hands, and the choices that i make every day. it doesnt make things any easier of course, but it does take away the sense of urgency. if i dont solve this in the next decade then nothing will change other than i will be a 32 year old woman who still has issues. if i change this all tomorrow however, i'm going to have a lot more time to spend on the rest of my life.
not that i'll be able to change this in a day mind