my eyes sting. i keep trying to look at things, but before i can focus clearly my eyes tear up and everything blurs, my view of the world coalescing and then dripping down my face.
dry eyes cried. past tense, they should be done crying but they physically hold onto it. i have to keep blinking.
and you know what happens whenever i get grumpy. yep, it's time to explode. today it's a loud wet sloppy explosion. a waterballoon full of jello hits the street and there is no crash, there is no chime, the sound is fuller and more carnal. flesh in the jaws of something invisible, torn and hanging in bloody strands. trickling, oozing. i remain an unconscious mess; an annoyance to clean up. it is not beautiful. everyone turns away, disgusted.
my mind's clearly in a great place today. i need a nap. no, actually i need to edit my thesis. i got comments back, but i haven't read any of them yet.
there are daffodils on the table. they look like they should be dancing. stiff rippled underskirt and panels frozen, suspended in the middle of twirling. age 5. a squaredancing dress with yellow flowers and a full skirt. it's far too big for me. i wear it anyway, and twirl and twirl and twirl, watching the cotton billow and twist. that's trapped somewhere, that moment, in a daffodil. i dance in every bloom, and wilt with every frost. the memory will always recur.
dance with me, won't you? you can wear the pretty red dress or the old twill suit. we'll put on a tragic play, spinning spinning spun and dying laughing in a heap. the only time that death isn't final. get back up and we'll dance again. until we get bored and run outside into the sun where we're blinded, a flash of red and yellow that fades into the present and it's over. until the next vivid fit of nostalgia, anyway.
but we did dance, didn't we? it happened. i remember, you remember. and that's all that matters. i can always, always remember. unfortunately, i never want to come back from the past.
sometimes we sink, sometimes we float, and sometimes we fly. today i'm submerged, but maybe tomorrow i'll shake the water off my wings and race the clouds.
dry eyes cried. past tense, they should be done crying but they physically hold onto it. i have to keep blinking.
and you know what happens whenever i get grumpy. yep, it's time to explode. today it's a loud wet sloppy explosion. a waterballoon full of jello hits the street and there is no crash, there is no chime, the sound is fuller and more carnal. flesh in the jaws of something invisible, torn and hanging in bloody strands. trickling, oozing. i remain an unconscious mess; an annoyance to clean up. it is not beautiful. everyone turns away, disgusted.
my mind's clearly in a great place today. i need a nap. no, actually i need to edit my thesis. i got comments back, but i haven't read any of them yet.
there are daffodils on the table. they look like they should be dancing. stiff rippled underskirt and panels frozen, suspended in the middle of twirling. age 5. a squaredancing dress with yellow flowers and a full skirt. it's far too big for me. i wear it anyway, and twirl and twirl and twirl, watching the cotton billow and twist. that's trapped somewhere, that moment, in a daffodil. i dance in every bloom, and wilt with every frost. the memory will always recur.
dance with me, won't you? you can wear the pretty red dress or the old twill suit. we'll put on a tragic play, spinning spinning spun and dying laughing in a heap. the only time that death isn't final. get back up and we'll dance again. until we get bored and run outside into the sun where we're blinded, a flash of red and yellow that fades into the present and it's over. until the next vivid fit of nostalgia, anyway.
but we did dance, didn't we? it happened. i remember, you remember. and that's all that matters. i can always, always remember. unfortunately, i never want to come back from the past.
sometimes we sink, sometimes we float, and sometimes we fly. today i'm submerged, but maybe tomorrow i'll shake the water off my wings and race the clouds.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
rubbersoul:
You only think you remember. The mind plays funny tricks like that.
nopantsdave:
You could always post your thesis on here.....we'll be happy to comment on it.