mei

whirlwinds in the fields today. little brown tornados. whenever i can, i like to run into the middle of a whirlwind and feel it tug at my clothes before the air sighs and dissipates. i always sit in the bathtub until all the water is gone, to watch the silver twirling thread tentatively reach down the drain. it's the same thing - air and water, flip sides of the coin.

i keep thinking that it's raining when it's not. the leaves of the tree outside of my window rattle, sounding like the patter of raindrops on the dirt. an apple falls, stuttering its way to a halt.

sometimes i want to scream and cry because i'm afraid of death. it closes in, everywhere, and i want to flap my arms and make as much noise as i can, in the hopes that the movement and sound will drive away the stillness. even the thought, vaguely, of people i know dying is enough to make me cry. and i never want to die. i can't imagine a state where i couldn't feel and see and taste and touch. where sense doesn't exist. where there is no i. even when i'm asleep, i taste and touch, and color is vivid. if i pass out, i wake up and it's as though the intervening time never existed. could it be like that forever? argh. too late for philosophical pondering, now..

i think i'll be able to afford to go back to yoga soon. yay!! that makes me happy. i love yoga. it makes me feel and look better. who could go wrong with that?

sleeeeeepy.