today, i walked into the human resources office at my work. i said, "i know this is probably a longshot, but your training is driving me absolutely insane with boredom. i'd like to work for your company, but i just can't make it through this training. i have a college degree, reception and office experience, and i haven't missed a day of training or any questions on my tests. do you have anything else i could do?" the receptionist said, "well, they hired me before i went to the training, but i got lucky. they don't have any openings like that right now, and they only come up very rarely. i'm really sorry, but there's just nothing there." strangely enough, i then realized that i was going to start to cry. i hate that, when i'm trying to be professional and clear, and suddenly i get all emotional. so i quickly excused myself, all but ran towards the door, and disappeared into a thankfully one-stall locking bathroom. i crouched in the corner, breathing deeply, and willing my eyes to stop making tears. god, i feel so pathetic. so many jobless people, and i can't handle the job that i'm lucky to have.
during lunch, i made a chart, pros and cons of the job. i didn't finish it. i was preparing to get out of the car, and picked up my keys to put them in my bag. i put them in the ignition instead. and drove away. it was so strangely easy. i just drove away, and now i'm at home. i'm going to take a shower and do some cleaning, and decide what to do next. i think maybe i'll try to apply to x number of jobs a day, in addition to writing apps for grad school. i need to take the gre and the lsat. and i'd like to start trying to write character sketches of people i don't know. as an exercise. maybe try to spend a couple of hours per day just writing peoples' stories.
my father doesn't understand why i can't do this job. honestly, neither can i. i'm not even sure that i can't do it, instead of just really wanting to not do it. i have to keep repeating to myself that it's only a job. of course you can stand anything for a long period of time. the real question is the worth of that action. sure, it would be worth my life to stand up to torture for a couple of months. it's not worth $9 per hour to be a bitch to my friends and hate myself. even though i'm really poor. i can be poorer. we just need to budget better.
i feel like i'm being crushed under a set of pistons. as soon as one weight is lifted off of me, another slams down. oh, poor me.
grrrrrrrrrr.
during lunch, i made a chart, pros and cons of the job. i didn't finish it. i was preparing to get out of the car, and picked up my keys to put them in my bag. i put them in the ignition instead. and drove away. it was so strangely easy. i just drove away, and now i'm at home. i'm going to take a shower and do some cleaning, and decide what to do next. i think maybe i'll try to apply to x number of jobs a day, in addition to writing apps for grad school. i need to take the gre and the lsat. and i'd like to start trying to write character sketches of people i don't know. as an exercise. maybe try to spend a couple of hours per day just writing peoples' stories.
my father doesn't understand why i can't do this job. honestly, neither can i. i'm not even sure that i can't do it, instead of just really wanting to not do it. i have to keep repeating to myself that it's only a job. of course you can stand anything for a long period of time. the real question is the worth of that action. sure, it would be worth my life to stand up to torture for a couple of months. it's not worth $9 per hour to be a bitch to my friends and hate myself. even though i'm really poor. i can be poorer. we just need to budget better.
i feel like i'm being crushed under a set of pistons. as soon as one weight is lifted off of me, another slams down. oh, poor me.
grrrrrrrrrr.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
From all that you've described it seems like what I'd call a "crap job".
I did basically the same thing that you did once.
I was working at a florist as a delivery driver. It was pretty low pay, but I was desperate for money.
At the same time I was also going to community college full time so it was a real drag.
Anyway, the boss was some old guy that was a dick. His wife worked there too and she was a total bitch. Most of the other people there were kind of miserable and wierd in some way. I think most of them were on crystal meth half the time. There was a wierd secret meth group kind of vibe there. There was a really bitchy gay "floral manager" that all the drivers hated. At first he hit on me, and then later he was really nasty.
There was always some stupid drama going around,and the work itself was sometimes stressful.
Well, one day I happened to go to a Grateful Dead concert (this was a way back). The drive up there was more fun than the show but still good.
It was a daytime outdoor show. Being on shrooms I got seperated from my friend and wandered back to the car when I kind of freaked out.
I came back to my car and sat on the sidewalk still shrooming and sitting in the Sunday afternoon sun.
I remember sitting next to my red Ford Falacon. I remember an old mexican man me eyeing me suspiciously. I remember the grass by the sidewalk and the gutter and looking at the sky. I remember thinking to myself, "I do not want to go to back there, to where I work." It seemed absurd that with all the places you could go and things you could do, to repeatedly do the same thing like a robot, especially when you hated it.
The next monday I decided I just didn't want to go to work. I didn't feel like calling in either. I didn't even feel like worrying about it. So, I just didn't ever go back.
After working there for about four months I just simply stopped showing up. I didn't tell anyone there; gave no explanation. It was as simple as that.
And it felt great. That job sucked. It was a relief.
That was a "crap job" though. You just have to realize that there a numerous ways you can make low money in a miserable way. You have to realize that having a college degree puts in an entirely different category if you take advantage of it.
Before and after I graduated there was a big difference between how many jobs I had and for how long. In the last ten years I'm at my fourth workplace. As opposed to the dozen or so jobs I would only stay at for a couple of months at a time before.
The point, I would say, is if you are college educated is to think in terms of "career" instead of "job".
Think about what you would like your trade or profession to be.
Maybe you have no idea, or it's something that seems totally unattainable.
In that case start looking around like crazy for a place that you at least would like to work at now for its own sake, or find a job that could lead you to whatever final stage you'd like to attain to.
Counselor Obadiah
(sorry about the long comment!
[Edited on Jul 17, 2003]