i think i'll have to quit soon. i hope that it's feasable. because being this unhappy so often just isn't working.
my weekend was ok. sauvie was cloudy, and some guy was apparently masturbating near us. the nice women on the other side of the tree from us told him to go away. none of us had noticed. i don't understand why being on a naked beach has to be all sexualized for some people. it's certainly not for me. but i'm not all that sexualized at all lately, anyway. i floated on my back in the water, and did some backflips. aquatic backflips are so much fun! they make me feel like an otter.
i visited my parents on sunday, for my mom's 50th birthday. we watched a movie, and went to her favorite strip-mall americanized mexican food restaurant. i like my mom a lot. she's really silly and fun. later that night we both got a great compliment. someone said, "if you want to know how beautiful a woman will be as she ages, just look at her mother." the guy i was talking to had assumed my mother was at least 10 years younger than she is.
after that, we went out drinking. i drank a bunch of rum and cokes - the only thing i've been drinking at all lately. i think it's because i don't mind well rum, but the rest of the well liquors are just kind of gross a lot of the time. i'm starting to get dangerously near to starting a drinking habit - i'm going to have to watch it. when i start coming home and wanting to drink, every day, i know something's wrong. i slept at an apartment across town - i'm taking care of a professor's cat. i think i'm supposed to sleep there every night, but it's just not happening. i didn't count on how inconvenient and difficult it would be. i've been visiting the cat a lot, though. the garbage trucks came, rumbling and squeaking their way through their duties. trucks came with deliveries for the grocery store next door, backing up with their piercing "beep beep beep" noises. the cat meowed loudly. i didn't sleep much. i'm at home tonight, because i can't function on that little sleep two nights in a row.
i was incredibly sulky before going to work this morning. i pouted. a lot. and i pouted after getting home - so much that someone asked, "so, are you quitting your job?"
i want to be an ad person. i applied for such an interesting sounding copywriting/proofreading position.. i wish they would write me back...
my brain is still having difficulties adjusting. i think i'm barrelling towards a desparate need for therapy. talking to decently trained professional peoples really helps me for some reason. unfortunately, most therapists don't really care, and can't act like they do.
the journal is almost therapy, but not quite. i don't think i'm ready to scrape the residue from my heart and mind and smear it on the computer screen for you all to read - not yet, anyway.
sleepytime.
my weekend was ok. sauvie was cloudy, and some guy was apparently masturbating near us. the nice women on the other side of the tree from us told him to go away. none of us had noticed. i don't understand why being on a naked beach has to be all sexualized for some people. it's certainly not for me. but i'm not all that sexualized at all lately, anyway. i floated on my back in the water, and did some backflips. aquatic backflips are so much fun! they make me feel like an otter.
i visited my parents on sunday, for my mom's 50th birthday. we watched a movie, and went to her favorite strip-mall americanized mexican food restaurant. i like my mom a lot. she's really silly and fun. later that night we both got a great compliment. someone said, "if you want to know how beautiful a woman will be as she ages, just look at her mother." the guy i was talking to had assumed my mother was at least 10 years younger than she is.
after that, we went out drinking. i drank a bunch of rum and cokes - the only thing i've been drinking at all lately. i think it's because i don't mind well rum, but the rest of the well liquors are just kind of gross a lot of the time. i'm starting to get dangerously near to starting a drinking habit - i'm going to have to watch it. when i start coming home and wanting to drink, every day, i know something's wrong. i slept at an apartment across town - i'm taking care of a professor's cat. i think i'm supposed to sleep there every night, but it's just not happening. i didn't count on how inconvenient and difficult it would be. i've been visiting the cat a lot, though. the garbage trucks came, rumbling and squeaking their way through their duties. trucks came with deliveries for the grocery store next door, backing up with their piercing "beep beep beep" noises. the cat meowed loudly. i didn't sleep much. i'm at home tonight, because i can't function on that little sleep two nights in a row.
i was incredibly sulky before going to work this morning. i pouted. a lot. and i pouted after getting home - so much that someone asked, "so, are you quitting your job?"
i want to be an ad person. i applied for such an interesting sounding copywriting/proofreading position.. i wish they would write me back...
my brain is still having difficulties adjusting. i think i'm barrelling towards a desparate need for therapy. talking to decently trained professional peoples really helps me for some reason. unfortunately, most therapists don't really care, and can't act like they do.
the journal is almost therapy, but not quite. i don't think i'm ready to scrape the residue from my heart and mind and smear it on the computer screen for you all to read - not yet, anyway.
sleepytime.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
Hope you get some rest.
It's this mantra that kept me going through some of the darker chapters of my life, most of which were written shortly after finishing college.
Being well-educated and well-read, I realized quickly that I wasn't at all qualified for the demoralization of real life. A temp job at data entry wasn't what I'd expected, a job I'd only landed because I knew 10-key from playing so many damn video games.
You contemplate and look inward at all that you hate because you know you're capable of so much more. After all, the world should be your oyster!
Real life has a way of kicking that thought out of your head.
But take your burden and move forward, being grateful each day of even having the chance to fall, to fail, and hopefully to learn. Regardless of where this takes you, you've been blessed just by having that chance.