mei

the guy who sits next to me at work is.. interesting. when we were required to tell something about ourselves, i said that i like to do yoga. yesterday, he asked if i'd done any yoga the day before. i hadn't. "well," he said, "i did some yoga and some meditation." proud silence, waiting for the compliment. "isn't it true, right, that girls like guys who do yoga? like they think it's hot if a guy is flexible?"
i said, "sure." but he's not flexible. and he's not hot. later, he begins to talk about the girl in front of us. he hides behind his computer screen and points towards her.
"she's hideous," he says. i can't believe he's talking about someone in the room as though she's not there. i ignore him. he insists. he pokes with his finger towards her, and raises his voice to just above whisper level. "she's hideous. she's really ugly, huh?" i continue to ignore him. i have no inkling of what gave him the idea that i wanted to listen to him insult our classmates. loudly.
later he began talking about women presidents. "yeah, sure, right, it'll happen. oh no, wait, it won't. what'd you call her husband? the first man?"
"maybe the first gentleman."
"oh, yeah, sure, like that'd work. and he'd stand behind her when she was making speeches? that'd be totally dumb. because men are the head of the household. in all the other countries in the world, they're the head of household. right? why should it be different here?"
grrrrr.
he had a penchant for pretending he was smart, too. we had to write down two superpowers we wished we had. his read something like "i'd like to change the consciousnesses of all the men and women in the world so that there would be unconditional peace for all the world to enjoy in a philosophically good manner."

the kid on the other side of me can't pronounce his "r." he got up to speak about himself in "icebreaker" time. "i didn't gwaduate high schoouh. because i knifed this guy. he bwed a lot" he saw us all look at him incredulously. "hey, he looked at me funny. and then i got expewled. then i wan my cauh off of the woad when i was dwunk. so i din't have a cauh." i was stunned. knifed? what?

i wish i didn't hold a grudge so hard. then i could ignore this time in my day, and do other things for the rest of the time. but i can't. i can't help but think about it and be angry when i'm at home. dreading the day wastes my morning. decompressing wastes the evening. "hello, my name is mei. i'm not alive. i'm becoming a robot."

it's a beautiful day. but that wouldn't matter. in my building, there is no sky.

it's too bad they don't have health insurance. because then i could just get back on my meds - at a higher dose even - and i could stand it. dope myself into oblivion and just forget. but i just quit taking my meds. so i'm kinda depressed anyway - but i'm feeling more, and more thoroughly. i see again. more deeply.

*starts pulling hair out*

and i'm making it sound worse than it really is. i mean, how fucking hard is it to go in to a room, sit there all day with a bunch of people, and mostly play solitaire? i'm getting paid, for god's sake. what am i complaining about? do i somehow think i'm above all this? why would i be better than these people - why would i somehow deserve an exemption from the need to do shit work for pay?

goddamn it, i'm so fucking frustrated.