mei

went to the first of what will probably be not very many days at work today. i can't say it was terrible, because it wasn't. it was like badly prepared oatmeal. it was kind of hard to digest and unpalatable, but not that painful. we did busywork. and from the size of the workbooks, we'll be doing busywork for the next six weeks. i haven't had to do this kind of shit hardly at all. i always got out of it in school - tested out. and i just don't care about any of it. at all. not in the slightest. i think that maybe tomorrow i'll go get my passport, so i can start applying for "teach english as a second language" jobs in southeast asia. at least there i'd feel like i was doing something.

the job also makes me want to explode. like a balloon full of broken safety glass. fill me full of hot air, just a little more, and with a pop that sounds like a gunshot i'm suddenly gone. the little jagged bluish cubes hang in the air for just a moment, then clatter anticlimactically to the floor. they are followed by a rubber tatter, looking like a lady's handkerchief gone through a war zone. nobody else in the room notices. their eyes glazed, they are halfway to turning into bowls of gruel. but i am free.

i'll take a shower and go to bed. it will almost be a fun game to see how long i can stay here before i go insane. on the upside, my sweetie will be collecting unemployment benefits soon, so if i quit, we won't be doomed.

i'm terrified of the prospect of doing this kind of thing forever. the funniest thing is that all of the powerpoint presentations end with the company's slogan.. "get more out of life!" everytime it flashes on the screen, i want to stand up and leave the room. and go mountain climbing or read some russian literature. i don't want to talk on my cell phone or facilitate that ability for others.

fuck jobs. fuck money. fuck the economy.

most of all, fuck the voice in the back of my head that says that i don't have enough ability or experience to do anything else.