I fucking hate freelancing.
Its like you matter, and you're important, and they can't wait to hear from you, and check on progress, and find out how everythings going and fill you with hope for the future with them and then BAM!
Thank you. Goodbye. You will never hear from us again.
Fuck.
Everyone needs to go through shit like this so they don't end up emotionally scarring the people they hook-up with. Sex and work. What an odd metaphor.
I actually got to thinking about something rather interesting at work today. Its a touch 'high concept' so bear with me.
When I was but a wee child, I remember playing outside a school while my parents attended to buisness. What kind of buisness I can't recall but I'm sure my piss poor attitude and natural tendencies towards a life of slackerdom had something to do with it.
I was hanging out in this little sandy spot when I found a little ant. Being a kid, I was rather heartless with this poor bastard. I crafted an elaborate little maze. A gauntlet if you will. I made that little dude run the thing as best I could. Over and over. Each iteration a little more demented then the last. I'm amazed the thing survived. I buried him, poked him, all manner of mean little things.
(I am of course using him because I am a sexist bastard conditioned to a life of genderfication and feel 'it' would loose this critter of more identity. There is a reason for everything.)
Quite a while later in my life I recalled what I did to the ant. I felt quite bad. Here was an innocent little creature just going about its day and I had to step in out of nowhere and make its life hell for a bit just for my own personal amusement. I am a horrible fucking person.
At this point in my life, I don't conciously kill anything. My roomate gets pissed at me when I save spiders. Its not a trait I developed for any particular reason, just something that I happen to do now. I equate it to the metaphyiscal creator (whoever or whatever the fuck that may be) screwing in my life. I wouldn't want that.
Tonight while I was thinking back to the ant I applied the knowledge I have of their species for the first time ever. The tiny guy/gal didn't think or feel anything while I was bugging him. He/she was just blindly trying to do its job. Everything was a hinderance on the way towards its goal of getting some food or supplies to bring back to the nest so its ass wouldn't get kicked out or eaten. The ant was so single minded that with everything I did to it, I could equate it to nothing more in scale then if I was to get run over by a forklift tomorrow. I'd get better and go back to work or die. Everytime I did something to the ant it could be equated to myself stubbing my toe at work, saying, "FUCK!" and then getting the hell on with my day.
It reminds me of a theory I once read about who's actual name is lost to me now. It essentially states that a small section of anything is a represantative of the whole. A rock looks like a mountian basically. Apply this to supposedly complex systems and you realize just how simple and innocent we all are to world around us. For all our evolution and free thought we are still bound by the same systems and way of thought that keeps that ant. We just do things more complex.
Evolution didn't make life easier. It just made more work as we live in a world where we have no choice to believe that meaningless shit matters. 90% of my day isn't worth a fucking thing. 90% of the modern life is fucking pointless. Its just a bunch of pretentious and self-righteous motherfuckers acting like we matter worth a slight damn more then a poor little ant crawling through the dirt.
Not a new concept I know. I'm sure when we were still monkeys, the very same arguement was made.
"OOog oog ooggoo ack ofo." *
"Oah?" **
"OOHA HAAHA ACK OHG!" ***
* "Lets go live on the ground."
** "Why?"
*** "Don't be a dumbshit Dave."