With a new year upon us I think I need to set my resolution. I need to leave 2012 in the past, shit, I need to leave 2011, and 2012 in the past. My relationship went to SHIT, she was trying too much to fix her low self esteem by getting OTHER guys attention, I, was too concerned with making her happy so I let her do what she felt she needed (flirt, fuck, and so forth) with other guys. This was nothing new for 2012 though, but as it continued and our relationship diminished NEITHER ONE OF US did anything about it. I was stuck in "lala" land thinking it would all work out, she, apparently, had already decided it was over but didn't want to lose what she was getting from me. A free pass at any guy, free emotional benefits, and being spoiled.
I feel as if now I can see things I couldn't earlier. How what she did, how she acted, how she thought was all tied together. Before we were together her and her boyfriend (a marine living on the other side of the country at the time) had gotten engaged (he asked, she was a stupid 17 year old all giddy to be married and said yes). Then he began cheating on her and finally broke up and we ended up meeting. All she wanted from day one was to be married. Come back around though, she had been cheating on him with other people as well. And so, now I can open my eyes to it, she had a shitty moral compass, I have read conversations between her and other people where she said she would sleep with people "just because" or because she didnt want to lose them as a friend. Now, reading, and understanding all of this makes me realize this girl did need someone that was concerned about her happiness, but not the way I was, she needs HER SELF to be concerned with her happiness. I am not knocking anyone for sleeping with anyone, your body you do what you want BUT I am knocking her on it because she did it while in committed relationships and used her body to get what she wanted. I was strung along, pulled by the string attached to me like a child's play toy that he pulls along the floor as it follows behind, never leading the way but always being pulled, knocked around, and eventually let go as the person pulling the string never looks back. Now she says she is happy, with another guy, well it is still only a few months in but maybe she has finally changed? Maybe now she has learned, it appears that way some times. She doesn't dress the way she use to, she seems loyal, she seems to mean what she says; and she has changed in certain ways, her taste, what she's willing to do (much more social now, I think she felt I was "holding her back") and most importantly, she doesn't need me anymore. She continues to press me about being friends, what she doesn't get is that we never were friends. It was always flirtatious, loving, and so forth.
So now that she is in the past, it is time I keep it there. We both fucked up, can't deny that but where I messed up I knew I did and it hurt ontop of that it was only a small part of it, she had no issue with what she did, at all. So on this last day of 2012 I plan to go on about my normal day, starting tomorrow I hope I can leave her in the past. I am so much better off, I do believe I am happier but I don't know if it is true. I let someone destroy my confidence, my sex drive, and my previous past. Now I have to not let her destroy my future. I have to swallow the moments when I feel down because of her, I have to keep my head up, I have to be the person I want to be.
If ANYONE read that all the way through, thank you, as 2013 comes along you are truly my friend. I hope you have a great new year and are safe!
I feel as if now I can see things I couldn't earlier. How what she did, how she acted, how she thought was all tied together. Before we were together her and her boyfriend (a marine living on the other side of the country at the time) had gotten engaged (he asked, she was a stupid 17 year old all giddy to be married and said yes). Then he began cheating on her and finally broke up and we ended up meeting. All she wanted from day one was to be married. Come back around though, she had been cheating on him with other people as well. And so, now I can open my eyes to it, she had a shitty moral compass, I have read conversations between her and other people where she said she would sleep with people "just because" or because she didnt want to lose them as a friend. Now, reading, and understanding all of this makes me realize this girl did need someone that was concerned about her happiness, but not the way I was, she needs HER SELF to be concerned with her happiness. I am not knocking anyone for sleeping with anyone, your body you do what you want BUT I am knocking her on it because she did it while in committed relationships and used her body to get what she wanted. I was strung along, pulled by the string attached to me like a child's play toy that he pulls along the floor as it follows behind, never leading the way but always being pulled, knocked around, and eventually let go as the person pulling the string never looks back. Now she says she is happy, with another guy, well it is still only a few months in but maybe she has finally changed? Maybe now she has learned, it appears that way some times. She doesn't dress the way she use to, she seems loyal, she seems to mean what she says; and she has changed in certain ways, her taste, what she's willing to do (much more social now, I think she felt I was "holding her back") and most importantly, she doesn't need me anymore. She continues to press me about being friends, what she doesn't get is that we never were friends. It was always flirtatious, loving, and so forth.
So now that she is in the past, it is time I keep it there. We both fucked up, can't deny that but where I messed up I knew I did and it hurt ontop of that it was only a small part of it, she had no issue with what she did, at all. So on this last day of 2012 I plan to go on about my normal day, starting tomorrow I hope I can leave her in the past. I am so much better off, I do believe I am happier but I don't know if it is true. I let someone destroy my confidence, my sex drive, and my previous past. Now I have to not let her destroy my future. I have to swallow the moments when I feel down because of her, I have to keep my head up, I have to be the person I want to be.
If ANYONE read that all the way through, thank you, as 2013 comes along you are truly my friend. I hope you have a great new year and are safe!
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I wish you countless happiness in the new year...