maxi

Blinded by the light


I recently found someone on Facebook that is linked to my present relationship and that is also linked to a past relationship as well. The world is really that small. The thing is I never talk about the old relationship or really reflect on it, or that part of my life, It's kinda like I erased it because it was so negative and fucked up.

It's also the pivotal time in my life of real change.
Sometimes i lay in bed and think how lucky and fortunate I am after i have reflect on a few memories from that time. It's such an awful memory that it catapults me to be grateful for the present.

You know how you save pictures of people that you were intimate with for later to recall on, well i don't even have any pictures to post here, I think i hated him so much i tossed them all away, and that is odd for me.

I was 18 when I met him on the boardwalk at the NJ shore in Wildwood. on vacation with my mother and a girlfriend, I was living in Boston at the time. We had a one night stand, we kept contact over the phone from time to time. I later left Boston, moved to NJ for a few months, and then to Phila, where we met up again, instantly started dating, He said i reminded him of his mother, ( NOT GOOD ).
It only took from Winter to Spring we wound up living together, by the time i was 21 i was engaged, or more like put on a Layaway Plan.
His name is David, he is a little younger than me by about 5 months. He is Filipino and Irish, but growing up in South Philadelphia he took on the identity crisis of thinking he was Italian, and when i say that i mean that in the most stereotypical way you can imagine. He was a high school drop out, who loved Football, one of those guys that SHOULDA,WOULDA, COUDA but instead became a contractor with his uncle through the family business, and instead took on an unhealthy gambling habit in conjunction with the NHL.

He was not "book smart" by any means, actually he was rather dumb as a bucket of hammers.
I felt in stealth mode around his circle.

His mother was a fucking lunatic, had him as a teenager, and got him into selling pot, She was physically abusive to him through out his life, and in turn that is how he decided to handle issues that were out of his control, by physically bullying others.
He idolized people like John Travolta, Don Johnson, you know lady killers that played dumb too.
He was a skirt chaser, I caught him on several occasions trying to pick up girls, he was too stupid to be sly.
Once he ran right past me after 2 girls and when he caught a glimpse of me out of the corner of his eye, he tried to make conversation with a neighbor as he stopped dead in his tracks, I also caught him kissing his Aunts cousin in a church stairwell at a fundraiser that he took me to.
Once i over heard him while i was in our apartment outside the window inquiring about a girls friend. that is how much if an idiot he was or is.

On top of his philandering, he was abusive. and in turn made me abusive, I grew up around lots of domestic violence as a child. The last thing i wanted to be was another statistic. I at 5 foot 2, 97 lbs, and I would fight back, I'm not saying i wasn't a victim, I'm just saying i didn't feel like one at the time. I have cold cocked him while he was behind the the wheel, not very smart i know, but being with him wasn't very smart either. I have gotten in drop down fist fight's with him, and once went to the emergency room for because he put a shovel to my throat and i wasn't able to move my neck after, however i did let the nurse know it was domestic abuse for the record in case i needed to refer to it later.
Once i was on the floor and he was beating me until i took a CD jewel case and turned point down and attempted to stab him him his foot in self defense, it worked, he stepped away, and on an earlier occasion he smashed all my glass knickknacks one being a champagne flute, and when he came for me i cut him with the stem of the glass, this is all really fucked up, You as the reader I understand this.
It gets better.. NOT
I took a side job for 3 day's back to my hometown selling watches at a hotel ball room for a friend of the family, When i got there, ( my hometown ) I met up with some friends, one being my best male friend who liked to spoil the female friends in the circle, we walked around and i spotted the most gorgeous gold fitted floor length night gown. When i departed, my friend showed up with it as a gift, and when i brought it home, all hell broke loose, i was accused of sleeping with my best friend! He called me a whore, and a fight ensued with David, He slapped me across the face, and threw me on the floor from about 2 feet off the ground, Literally picked me up and slammed me down, Ripped the bedroom door off the hinges and threw it down the stairs, then his mother came over, she lived next door, and started a fight with me too, She said i embarrassed her son, and when I replied back, "I supposed having your son sell drugs for you isn't embarrassing?" She lunged for me and dug into my chest with her nails, it looked like fucking Wolverine slashed me!
I would be in a store, it was summer mind you, and someone would say, did an animal scratch you, and i would reply, no my fiance's mother did. No need to tell you the expression that would put on a strangers face.

Eventually I cheated on him too, 6 years wasted from 20-26 years of age, i hate every thing about that time, even the music of the 90's.
I moved out.

Later I met my a man that i married, and we didn't really have much in common, but i just wanted to be with a nice guy with no drama, and that is exactly what he was, and before we got married I went to a therapist to get my anger and acquired violent habits in check, i didn't want to bring old baggage into a new relationship.

How has this changed me, I decided after I left David that i was determined to be happy even if i had to brainwash myself till i believed it, and i was no longer going to settle, I would be treated with respect and love or stay single. It made me demanding, controlling and assertive, and the confident person i appear to be today is partly because of that awful journey. I realized that I stayed with that asshole because he made me feel worthless and told me because of my OCD ( hair pulling ) and that i wore a wig daily, that no one would want a freak, and Yes, I believed him, I didn't demand more, because i didn't think i deserved it, I got away, and learned my worth. and telling me i deserve less than I give is pointless,
I simply won't hear it.

Since i left David, he has had nothing but bad karma, people have died in his family due to drug addicted lifestyles, and he has been in numerous domestic violence relationships, My life has gone forward and grown, his has been a nightmare of bad mojo.

Lesson Learned, Treat people the way you would like to be treated.