Heavy
This is my sister Carissa, She would prob kill me if she knew i shot or posted this pix.
Today is Carissa's Birthday, She is 5 years older than me so that makes her 43 today, i think.
I shot this pic 2 days ago when i got a call from my mother that she had Overdosed on Sleeping pills by accident.
So 1970's ish isn't it to be ODing on Sleeping pills. The reason she accidentally overdosed was that she was on Crack and was trying to come down and took too many sleeping pills.
I know this sounds heavy, but it's about to get as heavy as an OX for the rest of this post, It's real, and it's part of my life and part of my shame.
Strap yourself in.
Carissa always loved being the center of attention as a child, until i was born in 1970, then she wasn't the baby anymore. We have diff fathers and the same mother, and grew up in the same household together. I wanted to go everywhere with my big sister, she hated me tagging along, and regretfully let me come along as she had no choice.
Fast forward to 1980, She was 15 and got pregnant, and was strictly against the idea of an abortion, I think this was the beginning of a girl whom would find comfort in pregnancy.
Soon after she had her 1st son at the age of 15 she realized she was sacrificing her childhood, her teenage years and her freedom despite the warnings she had been given.
My mother worked the 11-7 shift at the hospital and Carissa was bored of her new son, she looked at him more as a little brother, and she actually said it that way.
After middle school i would come home and baby sit for the rest of the evening. this went on for about 8 years, I was a mother to my nephew from the age of 10 to 18, prob why i don't have my own children now.
Where was she you might be asking yourself, Well she was out and about doing the things a 16-18 year old wants to do, messing with the boys, trying out drugs and partying, eventually my parents kicked her out. She wound up modeling nude then stripping then taking drugs and landed in Phila/NJ.
Soon after she and my my mother lost custody to my nephews father and his family.
I would not see my nephew that i raised for 8 years until he was 22 and an ex marine.
She at sometime gave birth to a girl whom she gave up for adoption, prob the smartest thing she has ever done in her lifetime to date.
years past, drugs became a huge part of her life, and she married an older man and had another son, while she was still stripping and doing drugs.
Carissa seemed to always pick men that she could use and manipulate, she never chose a partner that she actually respected, or loved, and if she did they treated her badly.
and then later met another man whom was a drug addict and a hustler, and they had a baby girl.
so far were up to 2 boys and 2 girls...
she later left him and met another low life whom kept the same habits as her and had another boy, but his grandmother took custody.
So that makes 5 births so far, 2 not with her, 2 with boys with their fathers, and one girl with her.
She moved to LasV egas for a little while with her daughter and her baby's daddy.
My mother saved all her money to go to LV to bring back her granddaughter. and she did, Carissa Spent many of day's weeks, and months in and out of Jail, Rehab... it gets a bit cloudy to keep track of.
She then met a man while she was locked up, they married and had a baby girl, her last before she finally got her tubes tied.
By now she was rehabilitated, we finally developed a relationship again and she substituted her addiction to drugs with being a mother, she was even a Lunch Mom at her daughters school.
She seemed happy, the man she was with was a hard working man, His past was a little sketchy but he treated her and the kids kindly, and that's all we really wished for.
a couple of years went by, She got the itch, she was feeling her mid life crisis coming on and started liking the attention of a 22 year old boy across the street. He was a low life, she went and got breast implants, she started drinking wine coolers and started an affair with the asshole across the street, he was an Eminem wannabe of the worst kind, the kind of white trash you see on the Spinger show.
I told her to keep him away from me. She didn't listen, Eminem and i got in a fight, and my own sister took his side. I cut my sister off for the past 6 years, i had not seen nor talked to her accept for once when i ran into her on a crosswalk on my way to work. I almost tried to duck past her, but she caught me.
My mother of course wanted us to be close but understood that i did not condone her actions.
and saw her selfish ways coming back and her life unraveling all over again.
Her husband moved out, tried to take care of his kids, and all the while she was being arrested for street fights in the name of her new love and her husband all of a sudden had cancer and died pretty soon after.
She wound up in lock up for about 8 months while my mother watched her 2 daughters, one a teen and one about 6 years old.
My Mother has always been Carissa's safety net, her enabler, the one to pick up the pieces while she got her party on and her life back off and on. She has stolen my mothers life from her, and robbed her children of their innocence by exposing them to things no child should witness.
everyone's life that she has touched is doomed and dysfunctional.
Despite my feelings and shame about my sister, and the many times i thought to myself that she would have done her children better justice if she had never been in their lives to being with, When i got the call, i immediately drove to the hospital, not knowing exactly what i felt. I didn't tell my mother i was going, I just went, I sat in a chair across the room, I watched her as she slept, I was mad that her little girl called her older sister in a panic, and the children had to call 911.
I was mad that she was so selfish, and ungrateful for the life she was given and all the little lives she was so careless to bring into this world and neglect.
I just felt the need to tell her that she was worth it, and that people need and depend on her and that she has many things to be grateful for. and to stop worrying about her past and make it up in her future.
I called my mother to tell her to tell the kids that i was at the hospital and that she was ok and not to worry.
My mother said " God Moved you " meaning it took god to get me to go to my sister after all the years i stayed away on purpose. I said NO MOM MY CAR MOVED ME.
I can't explain why i went, I don't really forgive my sister for what she has done to her family and her body and the history she has left behind, But there is always Hope. and Hope Moved me to my sisters bedside.
This is my sister Carissa, She would prob kill me if she knew i shot or posted this pix.
Today is Carissa's Birthday, She is 5 years older than me so that makes her 43 today, i think.
I shot this pic 2 days ago when i got a call from my mother that she had Overdosed on Sleeping pills by accident.
So 1970's ish isn't it to be ODing on Sleeping pills. The reason she accidentally overdosed was that she was on Crack and was trying to come down and took too many sleeping pills.
I know this sounds heavy, but it's about to get as heavy as an OX for the rest of this post, It's real, and it's part of my life and part of my shame.
Strap yourself in.
Carissa always loved being the center of attention as a child, until i was born in 1970, then she wasn't the baby anymore. We have diff fathers and the same mother, and grew up in the same household together. I wanted to go everywhere with my big sister, she hated me tagging along, and regretfully let me come along as she had no choice.
Fast forward to 1980, She was 15 and got pregnant, and was strictly against the idea of an abortion, I think this was the beginning of a girl whom would find comfort in pregnancy.
Soon after she had her 1st son at the age of 15 she realized she was sacrificing her childhood, her teenage years and her freedom despite the warnings she had been given.
My mother worked the 11-7 shift at the hospital and Carissa was bored of her new son, she looked at him more as a little brother, and she actually said it that way.
After middle school i would come home and baby sit for the rest of the evening. this went on for about 8 years, I was a mother to my nephew from the age of 10 to 18, prob why i don't have my own children now.
Where was she you might be asking yourself, Well she was out and about doing the things a 16-18 year old wants to do, messing with the boys, trying out drugs and partying, eventually my parents kicked her out. She wound up modeling nude then stripping then taking drugs and landed in Phila/NJ.
Soon after she and my my mother lost custody to my nephews father and his family.
I would not see my nephew that i raised for 8 years until he was 22 and an ex marine.
She at sometime gave birth to a girl whom she gave up for adoption, prob the smartest thing she has ever done in her lifetime to date.
years past, drugs became a huge part of her life, and she married an older man and had another son, while she was still stripping and doing drugs.
Carissa seemed to always pick men that she could use and manipulate, she never chose a partner that she actually respected, or loved, and if she did they treated her badly.
and then later met another man whom was a drug addict and a hustler, and they had a baby girl.
so far were up to 2 boys and 2 girls...
she later left him and met another low life whom kept the same habits as her and had another boy, but his grandmother took custody.
So that makes 5 births so far, 2 not with her, 2 with boys with their fathers, and one girl with her.
She moved to LasV egas for a little while with her daughter and her baby's daddy.
My mother saved all her money to go to LV to bring back her granddaughter. and she did, Carissa Spent many of day's weeks, and months in and out of Jail, Rehab... it gets a bit cloudy to keep track of.
She then met a man while she was locked up, they married and had a baby girl, her last before she finally got her tubes tied.
By now she was rehabilitated, we finally developed a relationship again and she substituted her addiction to drugs with being a mother, she was even a Lunch Mom at her daughters school.
She seemed happy, the man she was with was a hard working man, His past was a little sketchy but he treated her and the kids kindly, and that's all we really wished for.
a couple of years went by, She got the itch, she was feeling her mid life crisis coming on and started liking the attention of a 22 year old boy across the street. He was a low life, she went and got breast implants, she started drinking wine coolers and started an affair with the asshole across the street, he was an Eminem wannabe of the worst kind, the kind of white trash you see on the Spinger show.
I told her to keep him away from me. She didn't listen, Eminem and i got in a fight, and my own sister took his side. I cut my sister off for the past 6 years, i had not seen nor talked to her accept for once when i ran into her on a crosswalk on my way to work. I almost tried to duck past her, but she caught me.
My mother of course wanted us to be close but understood that i did not condone her actions.
and saw her selfish ways coming back and her life unraveling all over again.
Her husband moved out, tried to take care of his kids, and all the while she was being arrested for street fights in the name of her new love and her husband all of a sudden had cancer and died pretty soon after.
She wound up in lock up for about 8 months while my mother watched her 2 daughters, one a teen and one about 6 years old.
My Mother has always been Carissa's safety net, her enabler, the one to pick up the pieces while she got her party on and her life back off and on. She has stolen my mothers life from her, and robbed her children of their innocence by exposing them to things no child should witness.
everyone's life that she has touched is doomed and dysfunctional.
Despite my feelings and shame about my sister, and the many times i thought to myself that she would have done her children better justice if she had never been in their lives to being with, When i got the call, i immediately drove to the hospital, not knowing exactly what i felt. I didn't tell my mother i was going, I just went, I sat in a chair across the room, I watched her as she slept, I was mad that her little girl called her older sister in a panic, and the children had to call 911.
I was mad that she was so selfish, and ungrateful for the life she was given and all the little lives she was so careless to bring into this world and neglect.
I just felt the need to tell her that she was worth it, and that people need and depend on her and that she has many things to be grateful for. and to stop worrying about her past and make it up in her future.
I called my mother to tell her to tell the kids that i was at the hospital and that she was ok and not to worry.
My mother said " God Moved you " meaning it took god to get me to go to my sister after all the years i stayed away on purpose. I said NO MOM MY CAR MOVED ME.
I can't explain why i went, I don't really forgive my sister for what she has done to her family and her body and the history she has left behind, But there is always Hope. and Hope Moved me to my sisters bedside.
VIEW 25 of 35 COMMENTS
boyyour:
I have had to deal with addicts in my family. It has always ended in forgiving the person. Not that I am any sort of judge...it is just the only way I could over come the sorrow and pain the relationship has created. You are very brave to confront the situation....I hope you may find some peace.
dznrboy:
I have experienced this with my younger brother, most people don't realize the ripple effect addiction has. How the dysfunction affects the whole family, the shame and anger, guilt. And it is constant throughout your life. It's always in your thoughts and affects every part of your life. It is never easy to deal with.