maxi

Lots of shit is going down, and i mean shit.
recently Had a coworker lose their job due to their blog.
The only thing anyone is going to get from today's blog is the idea that they thought i had it all together when i clearly don't.
like i had everything under control,
and i Sooo don't.
and that i write in Run on sentences and overly use commas and typos fill the page often.
leaving for Amsterdam next week with my SO and i think it's going to be our last trip together. I'm living with someone whom isn't attracted to me, is bored of me, has no spark for me, feel smothered by me, and thinks that our relationship is holding him back from doing and being a greater person. also has many crushes on coworkers from the same company and has no problem with me knowing he is adding them to his social networks, and i didn't come to that conclusion in my paranoid head. i found previous evidence of his prior crushes. Plus a girl knows when her man is eying another, trust me on that.
I'm struggling with finding the strength to tell him that i am not fool enough or desperate enough to stay with someone who clearly doesn't love me back. sure he cares for me but that kind of care doesn't merit him still sleeping in the same bed, even if there isn't anything intimate going on.
I see myself as a decent catch for my age. I'm kind, generous, giving, i can cook my ass off, amongst other benefits and talents.
I fear this ending badly and it making me more of a closed person. I gave everything and every part of me to this man. I left my husband for him 5 years ago. and as karma does.. he took it all, gave some back, and has said Eh I'm tired of it now as he mentally skips along.
the Worse part is I can put a face to all the ladies that he lust for. I know them all. I rather just be blind.
I know i deserve better, i know i deserve someone who really loves me and enjoys my company.

Then i track down my ex Stepfather through the miracle of the web. and i realized in the past 19 years that we have been lost to each other, i really glorified the past and forgot some of the horrible dysfunctional shit that went down. that stirred up more emotions than i would have liked. and i realized that the all the crap i pushed away to function and make me stronger, the stuff that i survived has only hurt my decisions when choosing a mate or things that came about in my relationships.
things that were not my fault or out of my control as a child, has hurt me in my grown up life. kinda like i didn't really have a chance at all. Makes me mad and sad and pissed. it's just a lot to deal with right now is all.
and on top of it my only best friend is moving in 2 months to Florida.
this is what it's like to feel alone or the fear of it. I'm physically not alone just yet, but i will be.

Stability and love are priceless.