mavericka

Yesterday was all set up to be a great relaxing day. Jerm called and asked if i wanted to get out and I told him to call me later that i was watching a movie with my mother. We were watching Into The Woods i've seen it a billion times and its not even a favorite. I worked the play one time though so its kinda special.
Not 20 minutes later Jerm shows up with Debra and just walks in doesn't even ring the bell or knock. The dogs go crazy and mom and i get scared because they are messed up and being very loud. Jerm just laughed and said sorry i never do that you should have locked the door. He goes on and on about how he should leave town when he gets his next check, and maybe not even go stay with his dad this time but just go to some random city and start fresh. This would be awesome, he wouldn't be my problem anymore, but chances are good he'll just blow his money on dope like he always does. Debra keeps making noise about going back to her hotel room and back to work hooking and jerm asks me to ride with them and he says then he'll bring me back. It seemed wierd but yeah whatever to get him to go away. He walked into my house just wearing shorts, no shirt no shoes. He said he'd left his shoes at the beach and he wanted me to give him a ride cause he had no gas. He was asking me for gas money like he didn't already owe me money. He made such a big deal about it i gave him a ride. As usual he did all the talking and just wanted me to agree with everything he said. But he did make a point of saying i was his only real friend and i was a really good friend. That was like, wow, because i knew that but i didn't think he ever realised it. For a few seconds someone in this town appreciated me.
His shoes weren't there and he got in an arguement with the people at the beach, someone said he should lay off the pipe it looked like he hadn't slept in a week. Which was true. And his reply was to inform them there was no pipe he'd been shooting up. On the way to driving him back he starts praying outloud, for "us" and he has me drive him to the catholic church and pray some more. We were both raised southern baptists but i guess he likes playing with candles.
Then he casually mentions our friend greg is in jail. apparently he got in a fight over a woman and was so drunk when the police showed up he was shouting at them to just take him to jail. He's on the waiting list for rehab and it would only take 200 to get him out but his mom won't pay it. And its not my job to bail him out. I don't have any money all i really had in the world was gas in my car and i was burning all that up for jerm. we had to sit in the car in the texas heat cause i would have run out of gas to leave the ac on. Jerm starts talking about how in another time and place he and greg could have been a real couple and i guess its good jerm wouldn't let me get a word in edgwise because thats just bullshit. Greg just uses Jerm for sex and Jerm tries to make it something more. Jerm comes back to my house and spends an hour writting a letter to send to greg in jail. Greg didn't put Jerm on his visitors list because he doesn't want anyone to think he's gay and jerm decides its a good idea to send him some love letter. and he signed it "your man". Then after i proof read it for him he finally left, he sang the golden girls theme before he walked out the door. Which if you know him is the nicest thing he could do.
He left me feeling confused, and very relieved he was gone. I've done a lot to try to stay away from him when he's messed up but he's just coming over now, and not even knocking. and he has a cell phone he could call he does it that way because he wants to give me no choice but to deal with him.
And after all that shit he put me though what seems to matter most to me is the 5 seconds he was a friend. I'm a sucker. a doormat. and i'm praying so hard that he really does leave. I know no one gives a shit about jerm but i have to vent. i'm ashamed to say it but its like with my uncle, theres no getting through to him, nothing seems to help, he's gonna end up killing himself and i just wish he'd hurry up and do it because he's destroying everything in the path of his downward spiral. I should feel sorry for him but i find that really hard to do. i guess i just have to write them off as being very sick and needing help, but i don't understand it, i don't understand why none of them tried to get help
but as that counselor told me long ago, its asking why that makes people crazy. I just have to accept it.
And accept i'm not resposible for them. Counselors always seemed to use accept like a magic word. like it was the answer to everything, but they never really explained how to make it happen. i guess just saying it was supposed to make it happen? which is why it always seemed like a magic word.
I've had good days and bad days, but yesterday was the most eventful.
I'm not really enjoying the play, i don't know if its that i don't like it or what. I don't have to worry about it till the weekend. And then it'll be done.
I feel antsy and restless again today and i don't know what to do about it. it would be a nice day to get some fresh air if it wasn't so incredibly hot. its even hot at night now, and as humid as a sauna. I just keep telling myself the feeling will pass, it always does. Things could be so much worse. At least i'm not alone.