mavericka

warning emotional vomit journal entry


why do i get so scared being alone at night. there wasn't a question mark on purpose. I'll never know the answer. why after a thousand dollars worth of medication a month have i felt like i was on meth the last three days and now i'm crying suddenly for no reason. the higher you fly the harder you fall, Dr Morrow would say. sometimes it helps to sit and type like i was talking to someone. sometimes i think god can't always sleep at night and he wants me to keep him company.
I don't remember what its like to be a normie anymore. its been so long. maybe it would be boring going back, having moods being predictable and being spared these nights where i feel like the only person in the world. dark emo princess burns freezes and consumes. tears meant to comfort sting my eyes, and i can't make myself believe the same old lies. lies that say, i'm better off this way. lies that make it ok. but the tigers come at night, with their voices soft as thunder, and they tear your hopes apart, and they turn your dreams to shame. the tiger line is from le mis, the musical. which i continue to quote even though it shames me to do so.
i'll sit here and sip my soup, maybe that will help. I'm not nearly as depressed as i sound, this is nothing really. this is a bittersweet sadness. not a depression where i want to die or something, and not worse than that. depression goes lower than being suicidal, i don't think most people realise, theres a point lower than that, where you don't even care enough to kill yourself, and the depression surrounds you like a warm blanket, or maybe a shield? Its hard to describe, but its hard to let go of it, when your there.
I should have stirred my soup. This is working though. My brain is starting to shut down.
will tomorrow be a happy day or a sad one i wonder. my inside voice says a good one. i'm almost at a place where i could sleep, but theres alittle flutter of fear in my chest when i think about it. i feel like i lose something when i go to sleep. like a computer restart where i couldn't save everything.
i'm going to regret this post, i can feel it now, but there are things i need to keep here, things i need to save, and i'm too tired to sort out that stuff from the things people might throw in my face later. forgive or you won't be forgiven.
i will go lay down now, and i will tell whoever listens that i love them, and i will fall asleep before i say all the things i need to say. thats the best case senario anyway, of me going to sleep. i have restless leg starting, i hope its not to big a problem. either way this is my chance to try to sleep, i may not get another.