mavenist

Thats one of my favorite songs. It brings back a lot of memories.
I miss some of the friends that I use to have... and am equally thankful for all of the new people I have met. I'm damaged goods.. It's really kept me from keeping people close. This is something I've gotten a little bit better about recently but I really kept people away in high school. I mean, I had a lot of friends and everyone knew me but I suck at staying in touch and cultivating friendships.

I also miss a lot of things about who I was in high school. I was the funny one, blunt, original, "one of the guys" ... But maybe I was all those things so that I didn't have to be me. Maybe I made too many jokes and acted like things didn't matter because I didn't want to be hurt or show my cards.

I wish I could let go of my baggage. I mean, I've let go of a lot of it..like my fathers murder but it's the more recent stuff that affects my relationships in the present.

There are women out there that are nothing like my mother and step mother.
There are men out there who are not my ex boyfriend... there are men who are not pathological liars, manipulators and cheaters.

I still need to confront my sister about things that happened when I lived with her during high school. She is 13 years older than me and I moved in with her after my father died. It was rough at first and a lot of things happened that we both regret... but some of it has never been talked about. I think it's long over due.

Egh. This is too heavy for me to keep thinking about.. I have my face all pretty and i'm not going to ruin it with tears.