mavenist

I just feel like if I can't get over these issues im going to end up ruining my love life and be single.
It's hard to not understand where the person you love the most is coming from. Its hard to hate how I feel and not be able to stop myself from feeling how I do. I hate crying and i feel like i've been doing it so much more lately.
I hate what my last relationship has done to me and at the same time I know I have to stop blaming it. I need to take responsibility for my emotions and actions that are taking place now but its hard when I have these strong feelings that I can't control and I hate them as much as he does, probably even more. They make me feel bad about me and it's hard being something you hate but you don't know how to fix.
One of the last times I was upset about stuff I didn't want to tell him because I knew what he would say about me being upset about it and sure enough it was said.
Maybe I am insecure and maybe I am controlling and who wants to love someone like that?
Who wants to love someone that's often upset and crying?

My heart has been pounding so hard since this late afternoon. I took a nap and when i woke up it was still thumping away.

Its just been a really hard week for me.
Tomorrow is fathers day and I doubt it will be a good day for me. If I had the time and money I would go to my hometown but I don't. I miss my father to no end. In the year my father died the day landed on fathers day. How ironic eh?
I was 13 and the first day that he was in the hospital I was there all day but never went into his room. I slept on the floor and in the chairs of the waiting room. The next day he went brain dead. They kept him on life support until my oldest brother who was in the Marines could come and see him later that day.
I finally went in to say my goodbyes. He was alone in a small room. It was my father... but it wasn't.
I went to the far side of the bed and took his left hand. His skin was not warm and inviting like it had been. His face was so swollen and bruised from the head trauma.
Our time together was short and I cried as I held his hand. I knew things were changing for me. I didn't know then that what i'd miss the most would be his spaghetti or his obnoxious laugh. I miss his sense of humor and how much he gave to others in need even though we never had a lot. I miss him coaching my softball teams and hearing him announce at my brothers football games. I miss his affection and his rough hands from being a mechanic on my shoulders when he would kiss me goodnight. I miss the nights he would try to teach me to drive a stick even though I never learned. I miss a lot of things that I can never have again.

It hurts to know someday I will get married and not have my father beside me.
My children will not have grandparents or great grandparents from me.

I've prayed a lot more lately but I suppose its in vain when there is little faith left behind my prayers.