mavenist

Man, I need to write blogs more often because here I am with so much to say, not enough time and unsure of where to start.
I am so overwhelmed. A few days before I moved to Illinois I had honestly contemplated calling Donny and telling him I couldn't do the move and running straight back to Alex. I sat many a times, phone in hand telling myself I was crazy for even considering moving. But now even through the hardships and failed relationship I am still glad I went through with it. The last 8 months have really been a learning experience for me.
Leaving Alex was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I didn't just leave, I gave back everything he had ever given me, all photos of us, gifts, items related to memories of us. The ring he gave me. Gone. I did what I could to expunge him from my life and sat crying hysterically in my car parked infront of his house. That was the worse drive back to my apartment in Sacramento and some of the worse following weeks of my life.
But Donny was there and my support. So a month after visiting him in December I moved to Illinois to be with him. I left everything I knew behind. I broke my lease at my apartment complex, I borrowed 1500 dollars from my uncle, I left my roommates, my friends, my family, the most rewarding job I have ever had and life as I knew it. This was all for a man that I realize now I really did not know. He was 28 with two kids, christian and working for Expo. He lived at home with his parents in the downstairs apartment. The plan was that I would move there and live with him for a month or so and then get my own place. Its funny how things just never work out as planned.
We had a good trip driving from CA to IL. One night sticks out in my memory thought. It was Flagstaff Arizona... of all places this is where we got snowed in at! So we made the best of it, got a hotel room and went by JoAnns for some yarn and got what ended up being very unsatisfying mexican food. (Oh yeah, and we had some wine that I didn't really care for). But that night laying on our hotel room bed Donny brought up the issue of my independence. He felt like I didn't rely on him and that I was too Independent. He didn't care for that fact that I didn't need him. To this day I still stick to my viewpoint; I do not ever need a man. The point of a relationship is companionship and mutual caring and understanding. I can not depend on a man for my happiness, or any other relationship for that matter. Now that he and I haven't worked out I have thought much of this conversation. I see its relevance throughout the entirety of our relationship together.
So after three days we got to Illinois. not such a bad drive at all, we saw some good sights and had quite an enjoyable time.
Then life began with him. He went back to work two days later and I spent my first weekend with the boys. These were two of the cutest blond boys I had ever seen. I was falling in love immediately. It was a good first week and I started looking for a job the second week I was there. By the third week I was Assistant Manager of a young girls clothing store called Justice. Things were going great for the most part. I missed home a lot and Donny knew it; I am no good at hiding such things. But the next week things got even worse... It was the first time I caught him. He had gone to work and I was home alone. I to this day do not know why I did it but I decided to look through some of the stuff on his computer. It hadn't occured to me not to trust him, and I have never attempted or ever distrusted Alex, so there wasn't really a reason for me to snoop besides curiosity I suppose. Well, lo and behold I found some conversations he had been holding with women prior to me moving to IL but while he and I were together. To say the least I flipped. I was hysterical and I cried and I called him at work, very upset. I got over it by the end of the night and dismissed it as not being overly terrible considering I wasn't living there and perhaps he didn't know if I would really make the move or not. But ensued were some computer stipulations. He no longer has access to any instant messenger via computer or phone.
So life moved on and I was working full time, spending Wednesdays with Donny and the weekend with the kids and Donnys parents. We were very close, we did everything together, we were often out and about together. Things were pretty good but I still had times of loneliness; missing home and having friends around. But I focused my life on being with Donny.
Then it happened a second time.
She was an older woman from VA. I found out about her through Donnys email. I spoke to the woman online and she had no idea about me. She told me many things Donny has said to her, things I myself had heard from him too. Some of the same lines and affections. I was crushed. I was at a lost. He offered to help me move back to CA if that was what I wanted, but at the time my car wasn't working (nearly $800 dollars later found out I needed an axel replaced), and I didn't really want to move back to CA. I wanted to be with Donny, I wanted things to work or at the least I didn't want to have to come home and admit to things failing. So I stayed. Now I had access to everything of his. We changed all of our passwords to a mutual password and used it for everything. It was at this point that I no longer had an ounce of trust with him. It was just the day or two before that he told me I needed to start trusting him again; how untrue.
Then came my jealousy of a girl I will name as Ann, for the sake of anonymity. Ann was a long time friend of Donny, from what I new they met in mexico during a mission trip and became very good friends, writing eachother frequently. Although she was married with a child and another on the way, this did nothing to sooth my concerns. I had never thought much of their relationship until after this second time catching Donny. In which case all women became a concern to me. I knew he cared about her and atleast one point in time wanted to be with her. I was very uncomfortable with their relationship...mostly due to the exchanges of "I love you's" and "i miss you's" often follwed by "i really do". This became one of the biggest contingencies in my relationship with Donny. To be honest I was becoming very overbearing and driving myself nuts. I was so frustrated. I hated how paranoid I was, how much I snooped, I hated wondering who it was that was texting him, what he was doing online.. I hated worrying. I hated that he was the one who screwed up but I was the one suffering so much. It finally all came out during one of our evening walks we were taking and he pushed the subject and I exploded. Well, eventually I got over the issue of Ann. She and I exchanged a few emails and its not that I ever didn't like her. I just felt like Donny was all I had, and even through it all he was MY bestfriend. I hated that she called him her bestfriend. I hated how much she went to him for things and I know sometimes he reciprocated and sometimes he didn't but if another woman is relying on the man I am with for support then where am I going to get my support from?
I knew he cared about her but then there were plenty of things he said that I wish she could have heard.
She has two beautiful children and in many ways I can see her and I being much alike. Go figure.
So, on with my adventure. Donny and I were pretty good for another few months. Working a lot and my schedule varied a lot from his so many times I was home in the morning while he was at work and he was home in the evening while I was at work. But we were still doing okay and going out on our day off together. We had some good memories.. much spent bumming the mall but as long as we were together I don't think it mattered much to either of us what we were doing. But then there was Valentines day, and our trip to Chicago, our evenings scrapbooking and our MANY trips to Dennys late in the night/early morning.
I liked our routine. I liked coming home to him. I loved his children. I was mommy and I liked the feeling. But children definently can put stress on a relationship and it was a hard thing for me. I wasn't their mother and I often disagreed with the way Donny handled the kids but had a hard time voicing myself. Eventually I stopped and just let it go. He got better in some ways, especially with his temper.
Looking back now though, I guess I did have some times of mild depression and I think he did as well. Well, to be honest it got to the point where one day on our day off together I just remember thinking the whole day , "I just don't care". I can't even tell you what that was directed at. I guess I just meant about life in general. I had no more opinion. I had no room to myself. I lived life in my routine and I no longer cared. I was so frustrated by many things.
Well the third time came. It was simple, I found that he spent a Sunday and Monday talking to about 30 women online. Going through the conversations was appalling. I was looking at times and I was just thinking to myself "hmm while you are here talking to this woman about sex you were also on the phone with me. I was on break at work". He spoke to a woman about cheating on her husband and how he had cheated on his wife early in their marriage and if she would want to cheat on him again... it goes on and on. I am sure that in time he would have acted it out. I was sick to my stomach. This was different than the other times; this was an indescribable feeling. I felt so insignificant. This was the time that I finally told his mom what had been going on in my relationship with Donny. She supported me and we both talked to him. I told him that for me to even consider staying that he needed to meet with a pastor, a counselor and join a support group of sorts. His mother agreed to that as well, that he needed to do that to be living in her house. It made everything he ever told me seem so trite. False words fell from his mouth and I took in every single one. We had planned on getting married in August.
I don't know that I had ever felt more alone during these times. I was very angry and I told him how much I hated him everyday. I did not make things easy. I do see my folly but I don't think he even had a comprehension of my pain.
So on top of this my Grandma was in the hospital. It didn't look so good. So I took the opportunity to go home and see her and get away from Donny for a bit. On my second day home in CA I decided I wanted to stay with Donny despite it all. I was committed. I wanted to work through things with him. So, I told him this and I told him I was looking for a place for me to move into and that I wanted us to have our space and try to work things out.
Well, i checked his gmail account again. And here is number four.
Agonyandirony_a3.
That is the SN he opened behind my back. There were a few girls on it and I called his mother before I called him to see if she had allowed him to open a new account. (See after the third time there were passwords on all the computers in the house and he had to have some one around for him to be online). Well, she had no idea about the account. So I called him and he wouldn't answer. I called his moms phone again where Donny answers and the first thing to come out of his mouth is "what are you talking about?! What account?!"
It was simple. The one you opened on may 27th. I know your sn, your password the girls on it. And all he could say was "oh yea. you're right".
Well of course I was right, I wasn't going to accuse him without proof of sorts. So I told him then and there that I no longer wanted to be with him but he needed to pick me up from the airport and that I would need to live with him a bit longer after I got back to Illinois.
I hung up and didn't cry. I laughed.
I called Richard, we got baskin robbins and I feel asleep on his couch. I enjoyed my time back in CA. I saw Alex again. And then I flew back to IL.
Seeing Donny again was the first time I cried. Then I cried most of the next nine days that I lived with him.
Well the days passed and it was 4 am on June 9th. I woke up, got ready, packed up the rest of my car and was ready for my 32 hour drive back to Merced CA. I was moving home. My real home. So I woke Donny up before I left...I wanted to stay. I wanted it all to go away, I wanted him to not let me go. We hugged and kissed, I got into my car as the tears came rolling down my face. I drove off as he stood there in the drive way of what I had called home for the last 4 months.
I got to 7-11 and wiped my tears. Sucked it up and bought my coffee.
I have not cried since. I will not cry again, he will never have another tear from me.
I love him to this day. I think of him nearly daily. I want the best for him. We no longer talk.
I am two faced he says, which perhaps from his point of view is true. I just wish he would admit to me that he doesn't want help with his addiction. He sneaks online and is still chatting with women.Unfortunately his parents arent as computer savvy and don't know how to really prevent him from getting access. But he is 28, he must want to change. I don't know if he does. According to our conversations I would conclude he doesn't. But then he writes these Blogs...like a Christian on fire for God. But he is online daily. It is like an alcoholic sitting in a bar during happy hour.

And here is some of what Donny writes... :
"The last relationship I was in was one of the better ones. Not because she was a wonderful girl or anything like that. We got along great for the most part. Well sort of. This relationship, like many others, were at its best in bed. Other than that we had some issues. That would actually be one of them. Trust and faith are some others. Yes, I loved her, or lusted for her at least.

You see, lust is the biggest downfall of me. I am addicted to it. Pornography, cybersex, sex, and just impure thoughts are all a huge factor in my life. They have actually played a factor in defining who I am. Or who I was, at least. Cybersex being the worst of them along with impure thoughts.

This is actually what ended my last relationship. She caught me four times. Not in the process, usually within 24 hours while going through my laptop. After the fourth time she had had enough. I can't say that I blame her either. And this moment became one of the single greatest moments in my life. Huh?

Yes I did say that. Because of this moment it brought to light a sever addiction that I have. Something I was able to hid and sweep under the carpet for years. Sure there were people that knew I occasionally looked at porn but no one knew it was what it was.
.................
As a result of everything, I realized that my life sucks! It really did. I have two kids that I really didn't want to spend time with, a family that I could care less about and a girlfriend that I would cheat on with girls that weren't even in my bed. Yeah, my life sucked big."

But he is still on just about daily. hmm. I just don't know. I hope he is honestly seeking help. He needs support.

Oh well atleast he said I was good in bed.

I love life, I do. I love the ups and downs and its a learning experience every day. But! I need to get my butt up and going cause I have a job interview... I will continue this later. And man, if you actually read all this, kudos to you! Thanks for taking an interest.