maurauder

Fuck you and your scent.

Its good to see you again.

What is it about that smell
That brings it all back?


I remember sitting on the patio of the coffee shop
not speaking
just watching each other
not speaking
holding hands
eyes locked
and silent.
And the people walking by
Who would stop
And stammer Im sorry,but...my goshIve never seen two people so in love."

That happened a few times.

I remember the first kiss, and how boy-lips had never felt so soft. So perfect.

I dont remember miniature golf, because that was our second date and I was so heady and twitterpated that I could barely breath. That month everyone told me I was glowing, but they had no idea.

And I always stank around you, some sort of biological reaction. Like musky pheromones and I wondered if you could smell it too. If it smelled good to you.

What I do remember is watching you. Around the house, cooking, sleeping. And thinking How could anything be so beautiful. It hurt my eyes.

I remember backyard picnics where you softly sang Nat King Cole lullabies. On stage you crooned to me Rockabilly love songs. I loved that.

I remember slow dancing to Chet Baker in the kitchen, while our dinner burned on the stove behind us.

My God it was good. And then


I remember the moment that everything changed. Driving in heavy LA rush hour traffic. Cars cutting us off, people swerving. I was singing along to the Violent Femmes and not really paying attention, glanced over
and noticed
your white knuckles
and wide eyed fear.
I asked what was wrong and in a whisper you replied
Everything important to me in the world is in this car. Just let me concentrate on driving.

Did you realize how much you had to lose? Because you were never the same after that.


I remember the morning you put on Tom Waits and we broke up. Then we made love and opened our Christmas presents.

And the months that followed I remember

Seeing you leave the bar with her. That knife in my belly.

Mornings doubled over and sobbing in the shower. Weeping until the there were no more tears, left me dry heaving on the shower floor.

and missed periods.
There was a lot of death that winter.
My dog, my friend, and more...

I lost so much weight.

Trying to make it through the day. Hollow-eyed and distant and trying to focus in Cell Lab.

I remember drinking too much
in the bathtub
listening to Tom sing our breakup record
every night.

My girls tried to take care of me. Comfort me by the fire at Absinthe. But long nights and tall beers and even true friends left me empty and I didnt fit in my own skin.

It hurt so much
and I barely survived.



But that was months, my god, that was years ago. Ive picked myself up, and *healed*.
Proudly announced to my friends that Im over you.
Moved on. And successful. And even happy. Without you.

And Ive had a few men since then.
One even stayed a year.
And still shares my bed.
But I never stopped thinking of you.
And I never will.





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Hey guess what? I'm not a writer, and I know it. So please don't tell me this is great. Because it's not. But I don't write to make greatness, I write to process emotion and thoughts. And I felt like sharing. So thanks for reading.