When I was 9 my mother died, suddenly and unexpectedly, in the middle of the night. (Well, maybe not so unexpectedly, but thats another story altogether). In the middle of the night, I lost everything and my entire world changed. In the middle of the night.
Years later, as a pre teen, I began to develope a fear of the night. Of the dark and the maybes that lurked within it. I started going to bed earlier, with my bedroom door cracked. The light from the living room and the sound of my father watching tv made me feel safe. It was the only way I could sleep.
When I was 16 I ran away from home. After a brief period of homelessness (again, another story), I moved in with an old family friend. In this house I slept upstairs and alone. I was in highschool and developed insomnia. She went to bed much earlier than me. There was no light to provide comfort, so I opened the window and relied on the moon. The house was old and everytime it creaked my eyes shot open, expecting to find a figure lurking over me. The house creaked a lot.
After highschool I moved into my own apartment and the fear intensified. My roomate, a young stud on the prowl, often stayed elsewhere. Sometimes I slept on the couch with the tv on to keep me company. But I tried to sleep in my bed as often as possible. I would lay in bed with my eyes wide open and my heart racing. Eventually I would began to drift off, us humans do require sleep. I developed a medical condition. As soon as I fell asleep, the second of crossover from 'here' to 'there', my heart would stop beating and I would stop breathing. This would wake me up, with a start, and I would lay there terrified, fearing that next time I would not wake up. It happened almost everynight.
I went to the doctor. They hooked me up with wires and I had to sleep with a halter moniter for 24 hours. Diagnosis - psychosamatic. There was nothing wrong with my, except my head.
A few years of therapy and a few thousand dollars later, I'd gotten better. I could sleep through the night with peace and comfort, unafraid of what lurked in the dark. But lately, it's been happening again. That fear. Every night I go to bed sober it's there, waiting.
Perhaps that's why I drink so much.
/...
Years later, as a pre teen, I began to develope a fear of the night. Of the dark and the maybes that lurked within it. I started going to bed earlier, with my bedroom door cracked. The light from the living room and the sound of my father watching tv made me feel safe. It was the only way I could sleep.
When I was 16 I ran away from home. After a brief period of homelessness (again, another story), I moved in with an old family friend. In this house I slept upstairs and alone. I was in highschool and developed insomnia. She went to bed much earlier than me. There was no light to provide comfort, so I opened the window and relied on the moon. The house was old and everytime it creaked my eyes shot open, expecting to find a figure lurking over me. The house creaked a lot.
After highschool I moved into my own apartment and the fear intensified. My roomate, a young stud on the prowl, often stayed elsewhere. Sometimes I slept on the couch with the tv on to keep me company. But I tried to sleep in my bed as often as possible. I would lay in bed with my eyes wide open and my heart racing. Eventually I would began to drift off, us humans do require sleep. I developed a medical condition. As soon as I fell asleep, the second of crossover from 'here' to 'there', my heart would stop beating and I would stop breathing. This would wake me up, with a start, and I would lay there terrified, fearing that next time I would not wake up. It happened almost everynight.
I went to the doctor. They hooked me up with wires and I had to sleep with a halter moniter for 24 hours. Diagnosis - psychosamatic. There was nothing wrong with my, except my head.
A few years of therapy and a few thousand dollars later, I'd gotten better. I could sleep through the night with peace and comfort, unafraid of what lurked in the dark. But lately, it's been happening again. That fear. Every night I go to bed sober it's there, waiting.
Perhaps that's why I drink so much.
/...
VIEW 19 of 19 COMMENTS
that was the greatest conversation evar! specially the part where i got all nervous & pretended to be straight. good god, im a loser.
i'm wearing the alf shirt, right now.
also, i'm just sad and bad company, e and i have been fighting and i'm scared and just kind of clusterfucked.