maude

i'm beginning to really regret moving back with my parents. no rent, i only have to buy the food that only i specifically eat, stuff like that is good. i'm able to afford all the things i wanted and couldn't afford living on my own, like a nice new pair of boots and some toys i've been longing after and stuff, but i think my dad is off his medication or something. and it seems he's gotten really crazy in the month i've been here. he bought a wooden flute (think Kill Bill only really fruity) and he's playing it right now in his "office" down the hall. he and my mom have been fighting and it's all been instigated by him. my brother just told me a few days ago they were fighting so loudly he was afraid it was getting physical so he went down the street to a friend's house and called the cops. for a couple nights last week my dad slept on the futon downstairs after a fight i overheard about "needing his space." what is he, a 16 year old girl?? and this morning around 9 i woke up to him messing around on my computer asking if i was downloading anything because his internet was slow. i said yes, and i would turn my torrent off, and then i did. but now i'm going to have to password-protect both my screensaver and my login. i remember once a long time ago he read my email, back when the whole family shared a computer, and told me specifically who he did not like me tlaking to and told me to never talk to them again. i definitely don't talk to people like that anymore and i eventually learned, on my own, from my mistakes. and if he did find something on my computer to be upset about, then i have a much better argument now - it's my machine, i paid for it, and i'm 20, not 15. i can do with it whatever i please.

i'm glad that i'm not here much - i work 40 hours a week in a store 40 minutes away and i visit my boyfriend on my days off and he also lives about 40 minutes away, in the other direction. i just feel terrible for my mom. she's never done anything wrong aside from letting her walk all over her throughout the marriage. he's not a terrible person but he is fucked up and we used to have crazy fights when i was younger, and i don't like seeing that being taken out on my mom. i feel very protective of my mom, and you can bet a little more than "running to a friend's house to call the cops" would have happened if i thought he was physically attacking her. though i am very proud of my brother for dealing with that maturely. he's 16 but i still think of him like he's 10 or something, not to mention he's a little undersocialized (but that's a whole different entry).

at least i noticed an appointment with their old marriage counselor on the calendar. he was actually my counselor for a while a couple years ago, and i love the guy - after going between a ton of bitches who blamed all my issues on my dark clothes or my friends (who are/were incredibly sweet people that even my mom loved to bits}, i finally demanded to see a male counselor so they set me up with Ray and within a few months i felt like i could function normally and chose to go on with my life. yeah i have issues with other women, so what?