maude

so i'm doing a secret santa exchange via a message board i belong to. and the person i ended up with is apparently attending the art school i very seriously considered applying to, going for the same major i would have. i find this really freaky, considering how relatively unpopular that course (toy design) is compared to other courses offered there (like fashion design and advertising arts and stuff). it's a little like a slap in the face, because my grandmother just left early this morning and she was so excited when i said i was considering going back to school. she doesn't like the fact that i left my old job for another that pays terribly, even though i'm much happier at my new job than my old one. but as someone who couldn't even take full time schooling in high school, i don't think i could deal with college, and the truth is, i really only got so excited about it becasue i was looking for a way out. i hate the east coast and would really love to go out west, but i have a feeling that LA is not my ideal location. i would probably hate it. i'm thinking Arizona would be more my style. that desert is the most beautiful place i have ever been there and whenever i see pictures from it or a movie where any scenes take place in it, i feel almost homesick even though i was born and raised here and only visited there for a week when i was 6. why do i have to "be" something anyway? what's this pressure to "make something" of your life? i wouldn't want to kill my interest in art and toys by making it a career (not to mention i think art is a silly, maybe useless career choice, despite considering it myself numerous times). i'm not talented at drawing, it's just something i really like doing and so i have practiced - a lot. when you practice something, you become skilled at it. i deliberately taught myself to draw certain things (like the human form, using a How to Draw Marvel Superheroes booklet i bought myself when i was about 10) becuase no one would buy me anything better than a little kid's paint and markers set and some thin cheesy paper. but my brother gets a drawing table (i had to use my lap, which couldn't have been good for my neck), books on the human form, all kinds of good shit that i would have KILLED for at his age. all so he can draw furry trash. and people wonder why i'm discouraged about my art.

ahhh whatever. no one's gonna read my rant. i just hate weird-ass coincidences like that.

if i were still really interested in the school i would start talking to the girl that i got, maybe i still will, just to see what the school is like. they sure did have thorough foundation art classes, something i would also kill to be able to take (considering i was in a "yay go team go!"-type school and when i finished one way-too-easy art project all i could do was sit there and wait for everyone to catch up because the art department just didn't have enough money/supplies for me to do another).

for the first and only time in my life, i considering joining the military the other night, if only to get a chance to prepare myself mentally and physically for anything. that's only because my kickass zombie dream has been messing with my head, though.

i think i'm gonna eat some pumpkin bread, an apple and some tea, try to draw out a tattoo while i digest all of that and then go work out. and then work till one in the morning because WOOHOO FUCKIN CHRISTMAS IS COMING AND I'M IN RETAIL.