WARNING!!! THIS BLOG CONTAINS RANTS ABOUT SKINS AND RELATIONSHIPS!
Im supposed to be finishing an essay but im putting it off pretty well thus far by doing some washing, phoning people and watchin tv. Its quite an interesting topic for my Strategic Theory module....
"Is it possible to construct a meaningful theory of victory for a conflict in which substantial numbers of nuclear weapons are used? If so, how? If not, why not?"
Not a topic i have given a great deal of thought to, and i automatically thought no, but its actually quite complex and interesting when you have a look at the reading. I think im going to say that it might be possible, but the risks involved in using any form of nuclear weapons in terms of possible counterstrikes and even the diplomatic backlash would probably mean that in any situation other than an a apocolyptic WW3 retliationary strike, its just not worth using them.
An odd thing has happened, i am starting to genuinely enjoy this season of Skins. I hated the first two, i saw maybe half of an episode of each season and had to turn off it drove me mad. Thanks to being pretty fucking lonely at Uni since all my friends graduated and moved away last year, i have decided to give this season a try. So far it has been ups and downs. There will be a lot of things i like about an episode, and then a load of over the top stupid bollocks that just kinda spoils it for me. However, this weeks episode was beautiful. I DIDNT JUST LIKE IT BECAUSE OF THE LESBIAN PLOT LINE!! just to clear that up, in many ways i liked it less because of that simply because i am a little bit (a lot) in love with Naomi and now she just seems more unatainable.
But i just thought it was really well done, and was a pretty beautiful story line, made me a bit sad im not a lesbian (hear me out) just because i know im not gay, so im never gonna have the excitement of finding out im gay and in love with a guy which i imagine would be scary and exciting (if i was gay). Where as i do like women, but im not a woman...you get the idea. Bit of an odd concept, but it makes sence in my head!!
Made me wish i was in love, i miss that feeling. It was scary as fuck when i first spoke to my ex because i had seen her in halls and just thought she was the most gorgeous and sexy person i had ever met. And i guess thats about as close to a skins style 'rock and roll' life. We met at one of the hall parties (halloween) and i dont know how it happened but we just started kissing and that was it for two years. I should probably post a picture of her actually since i do speak about her a lot in these blogs! two secs...lemme find one...
Thats my Katie Rose, she isnt mine any more but in that picture she is and i still think she is the most beautiful girl i ever met. We were best friends for two years and now we havnt spoken in about a year, i still find that hard to deal with some times. When she broke up with me, it absolutely fucking destroyed me. I thought we were going to get married and have kids and live happily ever after, and i couldnt wait. When that went, we couldnt even be friends because she started going out with someone i knew (another person from halls and out friendship group, not someone i ever classed as a friend of mine but we hung out in the same group of people if that makes sense) and i could never have sat and watched her be with someone else. Even if she hadnt of moved on, i could never have just been friends with her, we were never just friends. We had both liked each other for ages before we ever actually spoke, and when we did speak we fell into bed together about 2 hours later. Everything with kate was brilliant, she was funny, smarter than me by a long way, cute, sexy, we loved the same stuff, we spent every day with each other and when we wernt together we spoke on the phone like 3 times a day. And the sex, dont get me started on the sex. I have never had sex like it, probably because i have never been as absolutely comfortable with anyone as i was with her.
When we broke up i dropped out of uni. I didnt know what i wanted to do anymore, i had litterally no fucking idea. From one day knowing with certainty how the rest of my life was going to go, the next day all that was gone. Bollocks :S I spent the next year getting stoned, everyday, i spent every penny i could on it just because it was the only way i could forget. I didnt sleep, i just stayed awake till i couldnt keep my eyes open any longer. I was constantly tired and yet i could never sleep. I hated sleeping on my own again. It took me basically a year to realise this was doing me no good, and i wasnt getting over her. I dont know how i broke the cycle, but it happened without me realising. I even went to see the university counciling service because my parents thought i was a bit depressed. It was good to talk to someone about stuff, especially since im quite reserved and will try my very best to put on a happy face even if i am fucked inside.
Im finally ready to have another relationship, though i understand that it might not sound like it what with all the ranting about my ex, but you have to understand i actually dont talk to anyone about that stuff, so this is my only outlet for all my pent up...i dont know what it is...angst? I have fantastic friends, i love them, we will be friends for ever. But i just dont talk to them about this stuff, maybe i will this weekend because its been playing on my mind recently. So thanks for listening to the ranting im doing here, but this is probably the most indepth conversation i have had on this subject. But yeah, i at least realise now that the relationship i had has gone, i mean its been year and a half now, even if we got back together it wouldnt be the same as it was. They were the best two years of my life, and although if i could, i would change a lot of things about the way i acted, i dont regret having those years. It has showed me how happy being with someone you truely love can make you, and how much joy you can get from seeing them happy too, and knowing its because of you. And now i really want to start all over again with someone and find that closeness, and learn all about them and everything that comes with that. Being scared because your putting your feelings in the hands of another person, and visa versa.
Anyway...thats the odd little rant over. So far i have my sights set on Naomi from skins (aka Lily Loveless, god thats a cool name) she is beautiful and lovely.
Oh and im going back to London 2morrow, My friend Tracey has turned 22 and as such we are going to celebrate and mark the occasion by going to Ministry of Sound for the first time, and seeing pete tong i think. Either way it promises to be a fantastic weekend, and i cant wait. Now i better get this fucking essay done so i can go. Maybe i will just pop to the shops for cigerettes first...
Im supposed to be finishing an essay but im putting it off pretty well thus far by doing some washing, phoning people and watchin tv. Its quite an interesting topic for my Strategic Theory module....
"Is it possible to construct a meaningful theory of victory for a conflict in which substantial numbers of nuclear weapons are used? If so, how? If not, why not?"
Not a topic i have given a great deal of thought to, and i automatically thought no, but its actually quite complex and interesting when you have a look at the reading. I think im going to say that it might be possible, but the risks involved in using any form of nuclear weapons in terms of possible counterstrikes and even the diplomatic backlash would probably mean that in any situation other than an a apocolyptic WW3 retliationary strike, its just not worth using them.
An odd thing has happened, i am starting to genuinely enjoy this season of Skins. I hated the first two, i saw maybe half of an episode of each season and had to turn off it drove me mad. Thanks to being pretty fucking lonely at Uni since all my friends graduated and moved away last year, i have decided to give this season a try. So far it has been ups and downs. There will be a lot of things i like about an episode, and then a load of over the top stupid bollocks that just kinda spoils it for me. However, this weeks episode was beautiful. I DIDNT JUST LIKE IT BECAUSE OF THE LESBIAN PLOT LINE!! just to clear that up, in many ways i liked it less because of that simply because i am a little bit (a lot) in love with Naomi and now she just seems more unatainable.
But i just thought it was really well done, and was a pretty beautiful story line, made me a bit sad im not a lesbian (hear me out) just because i know im not gay, so im never gonna have the excitement of finding out im gay and in love with a guy which i imagine would be scary and exciting (if i was gay). Where as i do like women, but im not a woman...you get the idea. Bit of an odd concept, but it makes sence in my head!!
Made me wish i was in love, i miss that feeling. It was scary as fuck when i first spoke to my ex because i had seen her in halls and just thought she was the most gorgeous and sexy person i had ever met. And i guess thats about as close to a skins style 'rock and roll' life. We met at one of the hall parties (halloween) and i dont know how it happened but we just started kissing and that was it for two years. I should probably post a picture of her actually since i do speak about her a lot in these blogs! two secs...lemme find one...
Thats my Katie Rose, she isnt mine any more but in that picture she is and i still think she is the most beautiful girl i ever met. We were best friends for two years and now we havnt spoken in about a year, i still find that hard to deal with some times. When she broke up with me, it absolutely fucking destroyed me. I thought we were going to get married and have kids and live happily ever after, and i couldnt wait. When that went, we couldnt even be friends because she started going out with someone i knew (another person from halls and out friendship group, not someone i ever classed as a friend of mine but we hung out in the same group of people if that makes sense) and i could never have sat and watched her be with someone else. Even if she hadnt of moved on, i could never have just been friends with her, we were never just friends. We had both liked each other for ages before we ever actually spoke, and when we did speak we fell into bed together about 2 hours later. Everything with kate was brilliant, she was funny, smarter than me by a long way, cute, sexy, we loved the same stuff, we spent every day with each other and when we wernt together we spoke on the phone like 3 times a day. And the sex, dont get me started on the sex. I have never had sex like it, probably because i have never been as absolutely comfortable with anyone as i was with her.
When we broke up i dropped out of uni. I didnt know what i wanted to do anymore, i had litterally no fucking idea. From one day knowing with certainty how the rest of my life was going to go, the next day all that was gone. Bollocks :S I spent the next year getting stoned, everyday, i spent every penny i could on it just because it was the only way i could forget. I didnt sleep, i just stayed awake till i couldnt keep my eyes open any longer. I was constantly tired and yet i could never sleep. I hated sleeping on my own again. It took me basically a year to realise this was doing me no good, and i wasnt getting over her. I dont know how i broke the cycle, but it happened without me realising. I even went to see the university counciling service because my parents thought i was a bit depressed. It was good to talk to someone about stuff, especially since im quite reserved and will try my very best to put on a happy face even if i am fucked inside.
Im finally ready to have another relationship, though i understand that it might not sound like it what with all the ranting about my ex, but you have to understand i actually dont talk to anyone about that stuff, so this is my only outlet for all my pent up...i dont know what it is...angst? I have fantastic friends, i love them, we will be friends for ever. But i just dont talk to them about this stuff, maybe i will this weekend because its been playing on my mind recently. So thanks for listening to the ranting im doing here, but this is probably the most indepth conversation i have had on this subject. But yeah, i at least realise now that the relationship i had has gone, i mean its been year and a half now, even if we got back together it wouldnt be the same as it was. They were the best two years of my life, and although if i could, i would change a lot of things about the way i acted, i dont regret having those years. It has showed me how happy being with someone you truely love can make you, and how much joy you can get from seeing them happy too, and knowing its because of you. And now i really want to start all over again with someone and find that closeness, and learn all about them and everything that comes with that. Being scared because your putting your feelings in the hands of another person, and visa versa.
Anyway...thats the odd little rant over. So far i have my sights set on Naomi from skins (aka Lily Loveless, god thats a cool name) she is beautiful and lovely.
Oh and im going back to London 2morrow, My friend Tracey has turned 22 and as such we are going to celebrate and mark the occasion by going to Ministry of Sound for the first time, and seeing pete tong i think. Either way it promises to be a fantastic weekend, and i cant wait. Now i better get this fucking essay done so i can go. Maybe i will just pop to the shops for cigerettes first...
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
beestealer:
I suppose e works for a lot of things, but opening up some feelings ain't easy at any time. I had a similar experience. Only I stayed in Uni and got myself a coke problem. As they say at the AA, admitting it is half the battle. Go out and get yourself a hot blonde teen!
beestealer:
My only real advise would be: Don't be frightened to commit just because of past loves. Just because it might fell different doesn't mean it's worse. Hell. It could even be better. 