maryjay

When I joined this site I didnt do it because I liked it or even wanted to be a Suicide Girl.
I was in a relationship at the time and he told me that he would make him so happy to have a gf on SG and encouraged me to find a photographer and shoot sets. I wont lie..it took a bottle of vodka and four cans of red bull to get me even close to being comfortable enough to pose naked...Ive never been secure in my own skin. So when the first set came out he gave me so much love and was so proud and all that bullshit...by the time the second set came out our relationship had already started to crumble and the abuse had begun. By abuse I mean physical, emotional, mental, financial...you name ...I got it...I felt like I deserved every bit of it and I was the worst mother on earth...I regretted leaving my husband who had laid his hands on me yes...but at least was my friend in the good times...My drinking became an everyday thing and I always had a drinking/ addictive personality problem stemming from childhood abuse to teenage rape to surviving a bout of cervical cancer all before I was 20....but now it was a major issue...drinking every single night...starting sometimes in the early mornings till I would pass out..those were the times my kids were with my ex husband. When I knew for sure that everything was over and had fallen completely apart...I wanted to die..I was left with no way to pay rent or take care of the kids on my own...so I asked my ex to take our girls and care for them till I figured my shit out...I was drinking myself into blackouts...taking risks with my life by meeting guys I didnt know anything about and just not making smart choices.
Then I met someone spectacular in the oddest of circumstances and he changed my life forever.
He put up with the drinking binges and crying and finding me blacked out for a couple months.....till it got to the point he felt like he was being cheated out of a relationship with a sane sober person...he wrote me a letter on fb saying that he loved me and could see us being a family someday but drinking would be the end of us...
I was already at my lowest point and I just wanted to end it all...so I drank enough tequila and shots and took a few sleeping pills and somehow found my way to the back of the bar I was working in....they found me.. Im not sure exactly how long after...Nick brought me home and I woke up the next morning...the first thought that came into my head was "Why am I still alive??" and well there are a lot of reasons I guess God decided to give me a second...wait....third..maybe fifth chance at life and let me try again....I vowed to never touch another sip of alcohol again...that was Febuary 24, 2010...Ive been sober since that day...On April 8 I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time with Nick and on October 28, 2010 we brought a beautiful amazing little boy into our world...hes a gift from above <3
Drinking ruined so many things for me...but I vowed that I would make those things better and Im trying...trying my hardest...people should know that my only reasons for living are the five people in my little family...Nick and my four kids keep me here everyday when I wanna run away from the world and forget all my pain...on the days when I shake so bad cause I want a drink to numb the hurt I look at my amazing son and i get the fulfillment I need...life is what you make of it...no matter if you hate yourself today, you can learn to love yourself tomorrow...