marybee

I'm one of those people who get's sucked into storylines and puts themselves in it. I get emotional. I get pissed or sad. Fuck, I cry sometimes while reading. I fall in love, literally, with the characters. I don't know I'm an emotional junkie. Funny thing is I despise drama but to me that's different. That causes you to interact with others. Pure emotion, the kind you can derive from art, literature, the outdoors now that is like junk to me. Well, to get to the point, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind today and it definetly got a reaction out of me. The following paragraph is that reaction but you have to remember while reading it that I write to release those feeling from me. Just because I write whiny things doesn't mean I'm a whiny person. It means I'm considerate. Instead of walking around annoying people and bitching at them I told the computer.









I want to have passion. I want to feel something. I don't fucking feel. I paint but I don't like to. I do it because I think that I should like to. I like the idea of me being artistic. It's the same with relationships you feel this passion this lust in the beginning and then it just disintegrates. It never stays you grow bored with each other. You think about other people, you don't fuck anymore, if you're lucky it turns into some twisted friendship. Or this content silhouette of a relationship. One where you think it's love but you're really just staying because there's no reasonable reason to leave. I mean what would you find even if you left? What the fuck would you find? And I know that everyone knows this or at least the majority of people and I'm just being stupid and angsty but if everyone knows how can you just accept it? I don't get it. I'm constantly fighting the urge to not wake up in the morning because there's nothing to wake up to and these stupid pricks around me make it seem goddamn easy!! OOO OOO I know why...hope. Oh yes hope, delusional as it may be it is the fuel of our existence. Not love. The hope that someday you may taste love, the hope that you get that raise, that your wife doesn't leave you, that you get out of where ever it is you think is so much worse than where you are. The later was it for me. I wanted to leave. As soon as I leave it'll be better, as soon as I'm not under her thumb I'll be able to breath. But you know what? I have a new goal. I want to do whatever I am thinking of. Screw planning for the future!!! I give up. I've never let myself just go. I think I've been stewing and self loathing for too damn long. Every time I watched someone get drunk or get fucked up before I'd think "what makes you so special?" Why do you get to drink away your problems? Well fuck it, fuck me, fuck everyone.



......I feel better.

You know whats funny is that I grew attached to these characters as I watched it but they have no memory of me because they're not real.