mary

hi everyone. sooooooo......been a while. a friend came to hawaii to visit me after the last entry was written, and i was busy, then soon after he left i lost my job because the business lost its lease for a location. i was trying to save all this money for school and suddenly i was screwed. not only was i displaced and trying to figure out what was next but i also did not really feel like explaining to everyone all my frustrations. so i took a vacation from the computer, partially becuse i moved out of my apartment and no longer had internet at home.
but im back. and i have created solutions for myself. my portfolio schedule id finally back on track...its so fkn annoying to be all excited about a painting and then have to pack it up and waste time and look for a new place when you should be doing art.
heres some news that might be surprising... in the interest of saving more money for school and moving to europe this spring, i have moved back to the mainland from hawaii, and now i find myself in the strange alternate reality that is Las Vegas.
personally, i would not choose this city as a place to live. people here seem to either be highly materialistic, or they were dreamers who were chewed up by this world and spit out on fremont street with no apology.
but i am here because i dont want to ever be stuck in some high quality new housing development droning out to the rebellious youth that pass through my kitchen..."you think i dont understand but i do...travel now whilst yer young cause later you'll have all these things to do and pay for....i know cause i used to be wild!! wanted to be a painter, and live in italy...i even used to pose nude in websites and books! but evenually we all grow up." im here because ive seen that and heard that speech so many times, but then ive also met so many people who did what they wanted to do with their lives, and still are doing it!!! And even as young as i am i know it isnt for a privilaged few, its for everyone who faces a certain moment or several moments where they have to decide whether they will listen to everyone who says "if its meant to be it will happen eventually"..... or "take care of business and security first, and save your dream for after you are comfortable"....etc. OR whether they will ask themselves "what is the very most i am capable of, and what can i try and what can i sacrifice, to find a way to that thing i want for my life, and what is really worth worrying about?"
so, i asked myself this when i lost my job. i went back to portland oregon and tried to clear my head with old friends and PBR and silent brainstorms. i have only several months left before i must be prepared to move to europe, and if i dont do it, it wont happen. i will have to turn down any scholarship i am offered. so, because im not stuck in a housing developement yet, and i am still wild, i said FUK IT!
i took my little self to vegas with a vision....and alittle urgency too......and decided to try my luck at being a showgirl one last time.
so, i arrived in town and checked myself into a hostel. yikes!!!!! you have NO idea the loops through which women go to take their bras off in this town!!!!!!! it seems like an endless stream of paperwork. let it suffice to say that my arrival was anti-climatic considering i had entertained headphones-in-bed-dreams of squaring my shoulders, waltzing into a club my first day, wiggling on stage and having the money for my week at the hostel that very night. well. huh.it took a whole week to get thru the loops just to be allowed to work. but when it was over i was very lucky to get easily hired at pretty much the best club in vegas, or so everyone says.
im working nights at the Spearmint Rhino. that little tidbit is for all the LA people who emailed me that i should F*** san fran last june and work in vegas. Make good on yer threats!!!- come give me money for school!!!!
wow is all i can say. its intense. it feels like a zoo in there sometimes, buta really wild, glamourous zoo filled with exotic birds. pumped with silicone. hahaha......
really its not like san fran. over there the guys at the club wanted you to lie and pretend that dating them and having sex with them was the best thing you were capable of thinking of, and thinking of much else hurt yer head. i am just not good at lying like that. ha haaha one night in sf some guy asked me what id like to do to him to please him, and i said with a smile, "not a damn thing, baby".
in vegas its different. people come here specifically to party and do "the clubs". not to develop a harem of dumb girlfriends, neccessarily. they know that if they try to waste your time then you will walk away because theres a thousand other people who want to see you dance. sleasy people are everywhere, but here the sheer numbers balance out the ratio.
i just started...all i know for sure now is that it will be an interesting experience in life, and im all for that. and if things continue at the rate theyve begun then nothing stands in my way of going to school where i want, and travelling where i want.
WILLPOWER!!!!! heck yes!!!!! hahaha