marlowe

I have a dream, I had a dream, I will dream:

The other night I had a dream that perks my interest. The feelings that I had inside of it are something to be looked at. I dreamt that I had re-torn one of my ACLs again. I went to the hospital, had my blod work done, and began to wander around the hospital. I looked at all of the poor souls that were stuck in the hospital that towered up into the sky, higher than any building I'd ever seen. I climbed to the top of the roof, and stared out into the heavens.... The clouds passed by me as I stared at the poor world. I saw the old me in the hospital... as a child of 15 with my first torn ACL. I wished that I could take it back and have torn it when I was older. I had so much to do in my life. Had I not torn it... I would have tried to play for college. As a child, my dream was to play pro ball. After I tore my first ACL and was out for a year, I cried. I cried for several weeks. My boyfriend at the time (the only one I've ever loved) sent my roses. I didn't care. I cried more and there began my downward spiral. Not in the sense that you are thinking, but in the sense that I gave up hope. All that I found important was stripped from me that year. My bf, my basketball ability, and the drugs I did ate big hole in my brain to make the pain go away... taking with it my intellect. I stood on that roof, staring at the world, and I cried. I ran through the hospitla and back home. The next day I arose to go to the hospital for surgery. I sat with numbness as they inserted the IV and preped me.

After this dream, I began to daydream. I caused myself to relive my second surgery. I still cried, but it wasn't taking my life... that had already been stripped from me in my mind. They preped me for my surgery and inserted the IV once again. The first IV I had ever had bled so much that there was a puddle of my own blood resting under my hand. This one wasn't as bad. However, it stung everytime I moved my arm. I was nervous, so they went ahead and gave me some drugs to relax me. An hour or so later I awoke to find myself moving down a hall. I began to ask the people where they were taking me, but they ignored me. I began to ask more questions, only they would talk to themselves only. Finally, they moved me into a room where I was startled to see a bright light and a tray with an assortment of scalples and tools. At this point I was trying to talk to them reasonably so that they would listen to me. I told the nurses that I was awake. The nurse responded calmly with, "You think you're awake, but you won't remember any of this tommorrow." Normally I would have paniked, but I was too doped up to care. I responded that I indeed would remember this tommorrow. I sat up and began to look at the tools again. It was at this point that she saw the look on my face and determined that I was awake. Apparently the drugs that they gave me to calm me down knocked me out, but only for a brief amount of time. I wonder what would have happened if I had woken up a half hour later... That would have done some serious emotional damage.

Looking back at my dream and then my actual experience, I know that I am troubled by my surgeries. When it gets cold, my knees hurt. When I go down stairs, my knees hurt. When I walk too much, my knees hurt. Worst of all, when I have sex and I'm on top.. after a while, my knees hurt. It sucks to get hurt. I just wish that I had gotten hurt a few years later and I think I would have had a much better life. Oh well... tough shit. I think that if I had surgery today I wouldn't really care. That's growing up for you. You don't get mature, you just grow complacent. I was more mature and understanding of the world in middle school than I am now. However, now I hjust don't care. I won't try and change the things that are wrong with the world. I won't go play in the rain. I won't act like a child and just enjoy myself. I am complacent. I sit and read and do what society dictates is appropriate behavior. This is bullshit. Age means nothing. I know 50 yr old women that still act like children, and they have much happier lives than any other people I know. Fuck society, Fuck me giving up. I don't want to sit around and be a tool anymore. I don't want to not care. I want to live my life and have fun. I want to understand that the world is evil and still see the good in everything. I want to tie ribbons on Cthulhu (see last post). I'm sick of sleeping too much and not doing anything with my life. I need to start doing art again. I need to stop pretended like I'm gong to do things and not. Tell ee cummings that I am not the six crumbs. I will be. I will live and not just be alive. I am what I am.

and i am done with my retarded rant now... the end.