marlowe

"a friend of the devil is a friend of mine"

I think I'm relearning a lot about myself at this moment. I don't know what it is, but for some odd reason the class I am in is reminding me of my past passions... about the passion I used to have for things rather than the doldrums I've been stuck in as of late.

A whole bunch of factors have been playing their roles to make me go crazy lately, but ultimately I think that it's been for the best. It's in those storms, imagined or not, that my character is tested and improved.... and trust me, it still has a long way to go. My manic outbursts and later reflections on them have been a huge factor in creating those giant neon signs that all point to the fact that I have been stagnent and in a non-developmental state. AKA for those of you who don't like "cryptic" I NEED TO GROW UP. I pride myself on my open minded nature and ability to try and see things from multiple perspectives. However, my childlike nature has still provoked me to gravitate to the most appealing options, no matter how illogical and unreasonable they tend to be. In the past that was ok. I didn't really have any solid friendships with anyone. I didn't really have very many people that would have been hurt in my dillusions and fantasy world. I could live in whatever world I wanted in my head, and the only person in affected was me. Now I need to develop to a greater level without losing the child-like qualities that I deem good (such as my appreciation for random, small details and constant awe for the world) while recognizing that living in my head and harboring doubts and fears only causes them to fester.

This is just one of the many things running through my head... but I'm finally getting to a point where I'm not just analyzing my behaviour and justifying it. I'm ready and willing to change with whatever comes my way.