marlowe

I saw...

"...the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats"

I will graduate college at the same age as Ginsberg and millions of others. Going out into the world at 22, I will probably work shitty jobs doing random things like welding and dishwashing just as Ginsberg did. I've already seen the best minds of my generation go insane. I watched as David, possibly the smartest kid I've ever met, quit school,
quit talking,
quit life.

I've watched the fake intelligence go off to college at some of the best schools in the country while the real underlying meaning of life remains with those who can tell you all of the theories that make the world run... down to the molecular level... all of the social principles that can help make everything better... so much... who don't play the games that make the world run. Who don't care about social standing and the facade that the world puts on. Those who understand what they are giving up and choose to do it anyway.

Like marx, who only lived by the grace of his friends helping him out.



At the same time, I read something the other day that made so much sense. I don't remember it now, but it was something to the effect of people going through life and learning just to end up at the same place as those who never tried, only being angry at those who didn't learn the hard way. The more I learned, the more I became a gutter punk. You should live to do whatever you want... that's what I was doing. Then I reached a point where it all made more sense for me. I didn't want to do meth. I didn't want to do coke. I didn't care about pot, schrooms, acid, crack, pcp, or any of the other things. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll gets old after a while. I guess that people will learn after 7 or 8 years like I did. maybe not. Maybe that's the life for them.

either way, the party was hardly filled with the best minds of my generation...
but I would have called them friends anyway. I think they have the right idea.

The party reminded me of highschool and middleschool, reminded me of a cleaner version of the tilly, reminded me of me five years ago. I had memories of cutting pieces of my face just because I was bored. I had memories of fighting just because it made you feel alive. I had memories of all of the fun and excitement of life.

I have memories of watching my friends die, get pregnant, or barely be able to live because they couldn't keep a real job. I have memories of friends working several jobs just to pay for food, rent, car payments, insurance, and not even be able to afford health insurance. I have memories of kids killing themselves because they didn't really have anything to hold onto when they were growing out of that phase. I have memories of people OD"ing, being arrested, moving away only to never be heard from again. I still have memories of people going through the motions of something with a slight semblance of life.

I think that's why I liked the movie Garden state so much. It reminded me of home. It reminded me of people I knew, and in the end, they didn't change. The only thing that changed was the attitude of the main character. The people continue on struggling... they always do... the only thing you change change is youyr mind. It's all in your head.

Going to that party with so many younger kids was weird. Some of them reminded me of me when i was younger.

I used to have an undershave up most of my head, short hair, wore tattered and torn clothes with patches and safety pins. I used to go through life fighting people and playing mental games with everyone inside my head. I once got a tattoo with a safety pin on an hours notice while hanging out at my friend cody's. The same cody that pissed in the corner of his room with all of us laughing at him. The same cody that threw a full beer bottle out of a moving car to hit branden H. in the head while he was walking down the street. The kid that jacked off everywhere (including school), lit some chicks hair on fire at school, and held nothing sacred. The same kid that was an amazing artist (one of the best I've ever seen), had a pretty good general knowledge of history and politics, and, when he wasn't aroudn his friends, would have conversations with you that clued you in to the fact that he was a really smart guy.
He was walking the line... but more on the insanity side.

Now I go to the same parties in a sweater and a scarf, want to change the world instead of destroy it, and talk to the quiet kid instead of trying to complete stupid tasks and brainwash everyone into letting me be a leader. The quiet ones are usually the best kids anyway.

I only have a few more years left in Athens, and I'm just now starting to branch out and meet people.

I will graduate college at the same age as Ginsberg and millions of others. Going out into the world at 22, I will probably work shitty jobs doing random things like welding and dishwashing just as Ginsberg did. I've already seen the best minds of my generation go insane and the worst minds succeed... and everything in between. What do you do after you go beyond everything you've ever read about and dreamed about? You search for more or just let everything come to you. Hopefully i will leave my mark... or at least advice to the world. I just don't know where I'm going from here.