marlowe

Well, I forgot to post from before... so you get two posts! Don't you feel special? That's right... you bet your sweet ass you do.

Here's what I had posted on the 30th---------



"From the chaos that followed me I have found my answer."

Chaos Chaos Chaos.... clarity. There's always a pattern you see. Watch Pi, maybe you'll get a glimpse of what I speak of.

Well, the PSA (pagan student association) ball was a hit. I, as usual, spent the night trying to find a few good people to talk with. Most of the time
was spent getting my nicotine fix. The rest you ask (or at least you do if you are observant and realize that people say
"most of the time" when they are trying to generalize and leave things out)... well, I shall not speak of such things.

Here is the sphere of the things that I controll. Here is the rest... imagine sucking all of it into a giant ball and
throwing it back into the world (maybe at someone's face... maybe just a general toss). Then the theory always surfaces
that we are what we percieve ourselves to be. In that case, I control the world. Ask yourself this: how interesting would
all of it be and how much worth would it have if it were all just there? No effort, no chance, nothing... just there.

this is me. Just here. This is me determining that I need to get shit done. I need to start working on my school work
before I fuck up all of my grades for this semester. I think that working one semester at a time motivated me more. I had
to get A's or at least B's in all of my classes. After taking summer classes all last summer I had no break from the
insanity. I'm sick of it right now. My GPA is a 3.6... I can afford to do poorly one semester.

That's where I'm wrong

I need to follow through on what I do. I never follow through.

It all begins here.

It all begins after I take a nap.

My dreams have been so alluring lately. I'm getting to the phase again where I want to sleep way too much. Sometimes
it's because it seems so much better than being awake.... most of the time it's just because my dreams seem more vivid
than life ever could.

As for the D word... I think there will be a brief pause... a moment to catch my breath... a moment to seperate myself
a bit, enough to see things clearly. I will not, however, let logic "wither my intuition". Timing? I'm still working
on that one.

I leave you on this note... I am a violet, are you?




There was a land where lived no violets.
A traveller at once demanded : "Why?"
The people told him:
"Once the violets of this place spoke thus:
'Until some woman freely gives her lover
To another woman
We will fight in bloody scuffle.'"
Sadly the people added:
"There are no violets here."
-Stephen Crane


and here you are with today's entry:---------------------



One bullet at a time

Wow, this is the first time I've been awake before 10 and haven't been tired. Good thing I didn't dream once I went back to sleep... well, good thing I didn't get caught up in the dream anyway. It must have been peaceful. Here's to hoping. Well, hopefully I will have all of my work done for today on time. After that, it's to crossing my fingers, going to work, and then having a very small amount of time to write a paper on a topic that I do not quite understand. It can be over anything... apparently the prof. doesn't understand my confusion. That rat bastard will suffer my wrath on Tuesday.... that's all I'm saying. Hopefully I can get an extension on mine as I "play the helpless victim" who didn't know what she was doing. I'm pretty hopeful that I will be able to seem just upset enough, while slipping a few words in german in (since he is so keen on that) "accidently" to still manage a B out of this class. I still feel like a horrible student though. I should be enjoying myself, learning, and getting my work done. I'm taking all of this for granted. I pride myself on the fact that I've never gotten a C on anything in my life. As little as I do and as much as I procrastinate, I will not let myself be below average. There are few things that I am below average at... and I hate them with a passion (ie video games, etc)

Last night I took a nap and woke up at 1:00'ish. My eyes flung open suddenly and my heart was beating too fast for my comfort. Tears streaked down my face, and I was left with the impression that I had died. It's been a few weeks since I've had a blatant death dream. All I remember of this one was that I was running. We all were running. I was trying to see through my tears and keep going as fast as I could. Fear was present in such amounts that it almost became palpable. I felt something hit my back. I awoke. I went back to sleep for ten minutes before sandy, as to follow my directions, came in to wake me up. Such an odd feeling to wake up with tears dried to the side of you faces. It's been a while since they were that interactive. It's gong to be an interesting week.

The week will be interesting for more reasons that just that realm. Some good reasons, so bad.... all happening at once. All of my work is accumulating, I've been so spacey lately, and I'm indulging in my dream side with another person. I just get so carried away that sometimes I have to take a step back. Not that my intuition is wrong... it's timing is just hilarious and filled with irony. (and irony is one of my favorite things in being). For now I find myself losing focus too easily ... and I probably only have myself to blame.

well, off to class and then work. I wonder if I should wear my costume?!? I think the mall has some trick or treat thing today. Man... I think if I had a kid it would be different, but kids scare the hell out of me. Why? I'll never know.