markmayhem

i never thought this day would come where i would be sitting here in tears because nicole left me.. Yeah, thats right she left me. She packed a few things tonight and made the 4 hour drive back to pittsburgh telling me before she left that she would be back this weekend with a uhaul to get the rest of her belongings. I made a mistake and i did something that i regret so much. I begged for her forgiveness while on my knee;s as if i were praying.. Except i wasnt praying.. I was crying my eyes out like a big baby. I love her..And i am only human, i am not perfect.

Things for me are deffiniatly changing....I lost my girlfriend, i now have to cover $1,045 for my rent instead of half. I start school on monday which will be stressfull, and i have to get a full time job..I have alot of weight on my shoulders now that nicole has left me. I dont know how i am going to do it. I miss her already so much and all i can do is ball like a fucking 2 year old wanting his binky back. I have never in my life been faced with this situation. All i want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. Then again i dont think i have ever been in love with someone like i have with nicole. On monday it would have been our 5 month anniversary. Today is the one month mark since we moved here to Maryland. I dont know what to do or say that will change how she feels and what i have done... I havent cheated on her and i have been 101% faithfull to her. I have bent backwards for her and to keep this relationship together..I thought when we made this huge step that it was to start a life together. I guess things happen for a reason. And i dont know why this happened to me at this time but i hope it only gets brighter.

Nicole i know you will be reading this and i know i have told you 1,000 times already that

I AM SORRY

I love you with all my heart and i wore it on my sleave. I hope you will forgive me and my actions.. I hope you give things a second thought. Beleive me i have, and i wish i could take back what i did. I will always cherish the great times we had and will always love you..

Life goes on, and we learn form our mistakes.. And hopefully we wont make them again... You guys probaby wont be hearing from me for a while...So this is a farewell....

Cd of the night: NIN- Pretty hate machine
Nothing better then a little NIN to poor on the open wound of pumping blood...


you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this is slowly take me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.
i just want something i can never have.
in this place it seems like such a same.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.

you give me the anger.
you give me the nerve.
carry out the sentence.
i get what i deserve.
i'm just an effigy to be defaced.
to be disgraced.
your need for me has been replaced.
and if i can't have everything well then just give me a taste.

well you've got me working so heard lately.
working my hands until they bleed.
if i was twice the man i could be.
i'd still be half of what you need
still you lead me and i follow
anything you ask you know i'll do.
but this one act of consecration is what i ask of you
you just left me nailed here.
hanging like Jesus on the cross.
i'll be dying for your sins.
and aiding to the cause.