markmayhem

there is so much that i want to say on my journal about my relationship with nicole...Its a little easyer writing about it then telling someone in person. Normally im pretty secret about my relationship problems ..I dont think its really anyone's business what goes on with me and my woman. But on here it seems to be much easyer to tell you all cause i dont really know you. Some of you i have met but others i will never meet. Its really hard when your girlfriend is a model and a member of the site. All these guys begging for her attention, just cause they like to look at her naked and they want to fuck her. I mean yes she is living with me and she is mine, but its still hard sometimes to think that all these guys are looking at her naked precious body. I mean fuck, i did. But its different now cause i have her and she is all mine. Is that wrong for thinking that? I think its worse for me cause i know that she talks to the guys and girls too. But im not worried about girls, its the guys i dont trust. Guys get all macho and shit when a girl talkes to them. They think that the girl likes them or that something is there between them. Something magical. And then they get all focused on one thing. The pooo-nanny.

She reads everthing i write and sometimes there are things i dont want her to read... Things that i want to ask you all,, Questions and Advise i need.. Its not that im trying to hide anything from her cause thats not the case.. I dont really keep anything from her..I love her and its so hard sometimes to do the right thing or say the right things. So Thats why i like to look to others for advice,

Its allways good to get advice from many different people, Its cool to see what other people would do from a different view... But in the end its me that has to make the decision to say and act how i feel.. It just makes me feel better if people know where i am comming from in certain situations. I dont always do or say the right things and i know that it upsets her. I dont mean any harm. Then other times its her saying things and not meaning it in the context that she says it in.

I am a very sensitive guy..
Im not gay, at all..
just sensative. I need alot attention,
and usually get it cause the girl that i am with knows me as a popular dj in town.. Seeing how i met nicole on the site, she doesnt really know how much attention i am used to getting from girls. Not that it madders to her, but its hard for me cause she isnt all over me like others have been. She doesnt starve for my attention.. She is a very independent person. She likes to have her personal time alone.. And i understand that. But sometimes it makes me feel like something is wrong or she doesnt like me anymore. I need my time as well.. I am a needy guy.. And she is the opposite. Sometimes i think we have alot in common, and then others i feel like we have nothing at all. I can tell that its real hard for her sometimes to talk to me and tell me how she feels cause she has been hurt so many times. For me its hard to tell her how i feel. I am a man, and in todays society men have to be tuff and have no feelings. But i do, and i think that if i tell her how i feel that she will just laugh at me and tell me to stop acting like a girl. So i keep my thoughts and feelings inside untill i can't take it anymore. And then i have to tell her. And usually it turns into "who can offend who worse match'. Maybe we just dont know how to take eachother sometimes.. Or maybe we are just both to fucking stuborn babies that have to be right all the time. Im sick of it..I just want to be loved..I want to hear it, feel it, know it. I think i get maybe 3/4 of it from nik.. And i want it all. I just want her to stop being so damn stuborn and just accept the fact that she is stuck with me and that i fucking need to be shown how she feels about meall the time. Its not hard for me to show it towards her. Its easy... Granit her moving to columbus was huge, and i mean huge.. But that doesnt mean you have to stop telling someone that you love them.. There is alot more to a relationship..But its still new and we have alot of adapting to eachother so its to be expected that we will fight. Fuck after the move to D.C. we will be practiclly married
.
Your probably saying by now, dude you have alot of insucurities. And yes i know this!!!!Im working on it..lol

Now onto the things i love that she does, I love it when she smiles at me with a grin. And i love it when we are in bed and i scoot away from her and she crawls right back to my side and nussles next to me to stay warm.. I love it when, and its rare , but when she holds my hand in public. I love it when she laughs at me and internally says to her self, "where did i find this idiot.' I love it when she PLAYZ WITH MY BALLZ.. I love it when she wrestles with me and beats me up. I love it when she talks in her little little baby voice..I love so many thing about this girl i could go on and on and you all would hate me.. But she knows that i love her and that i hate fighting. I just want to grow on this girl and her to accept me for the idiot i am, and that im not perfect im only human. And soon i will be trained to her system and i wont fuck it up like it do now...lol

So i think this is officially my longest journal ever. Wahooooo...

Sg saturday baby.. Its gonna suck cause im not really going to be able to spend Valentimes Day with her cause at the show everyone is going to be wanting her time. So as usual i will be starring at the hot ladies on stage wondering when i can kiss them on the face...lol j/k. I hope i dont have to bust out my kung fu on a Sg member on saturday for trying some shit on my woman. Just warnin y'll ninjas out there that have a thing for my woman. Dont let me catch you trying to mac on my squirl, I know where you live. lol

Me and kevykev have to dj in dayton tomorrow for the opening of this new club called the foundery. Hopefully it will be a packed house. We will see..

"good night ya'll
come on back now ya hear'

Bruce lee is my new hero
It sucks that he had to die..
I want to learn his own style of gung fu..

Love you nik

m'