For a very long time, I've felt like an outsider, like I never quite fit in. I was always too weird for everyone.
I tried being normal once, I did that for almost eight years. I dressed in those ugly and overpriced Burberry shirts and tried to be the perfect educated boyfriend. At the time, my girlfriend's parents were rich folks that prided themsleves on their career and golf scores. I guess I just wanted to fit it and please my girlfriend. Little by little, I erased my real identity. It was done so subtly that I didn't even realize it. I began covering my tattoos, removing my piercings, pretended I loved obnoxious music and distancing myself from any kind of artistic integrity I had. I stopped talking pictures, making videos, building web sites, drawing, photoshopping, etc. I became one of those dry mindless suits walking around with no real purpose in life. It got so bad that whatever my girlfriend wanted, I would provide… and she would ask for a lot. Always pushing deep down my own feelings and happiness to please someone who had become so demanding that I never felt good enough but one day, I hit a wall.
Suddenly, it felt like all of the colours in my life had been removed. I would come home from work to a condo that I could barely afford and looked at myself in my 4 000$ designer mirror and saw my father. My old man, the person I had struggled not to become… Not because he was a bad person but because he never got to experience anything he ever dreamt of. My dad got married very young, struggled to provide for his kids and gave his wife everything she ever wanted. Somehow, in all of this, he forgot himself completely. To this day, my father comes home from a job he hates, sits at his computer, gets tipsy and escapes through pornography. In that moment, he forgets that he has accomplished nothing he has set out to do. I look at him and I see the misery hidden behind his smile. He is burdened by daily responsibilities. He loves his kids and family very much but I know that if he had it his way, he'd be somewhere else… maybe in Italy driving a Ferrari, maybe in Japan studying martial arts, maybe in California working on a video game… "No I cannot and will not let myself become this" I said.
In that moment, looking in the mirror, I made a choice. I packed my things, broke up with my fiancé, quit my job and left.
At first, I was like an empty vessel. I didn't know where to go or what to do. Quickly, too quickly even, I went for a girl that was a complete opposite to my previous relationship. She had no sense of responsibilities, no drive to become anything, contempt with watching TV all day and clubbing all night. I got cheated on several times, she kept secrets from me, nothing she ever said made any sense. My mood got so bad that I started seeing a shrink and was on two different antidepressants. I realized that this was not what I wanted so I made an ever bigger mistake and went on to date a girl that was a carbon copy of my old girlfriend. Slowly but surely, my identity faded again. Needless to say that after four months, I went back into depression. This time though, it was worst, much worst. Ideas of suicide began popping into my head. I couldn't take a breath without wanting to scream the life out of my lungs. It was time for a change!
I ended the relationship, went home, threw out all of my old cloths, found a new job, bought a skateboard, went into a new school program and began doing the things I really wanted to do. I changed my glasses, re-pierced my ears (and started stretching them), got more tattoos, made new friends and started smoking weed. My self-confidence grew and I could finally accept who I was.
As I'm writing this, I'm still not exactly sure of who I am but I know that I'm on the right path. Where it leads me, I don't know, only time will tell. As for me and this web site, it stands as an outlet to speak my mind, tell stories, encourage myself to get back into photography and to start making videos again. It is my motivation not to let my true self die out in toxic life choices ever again!
I hope you'll follow me on my adventure. I look forward to making new friends here and I cannot wait to meet each and every one of you!
